A year in Music Videos.

This year, 2011, has proven to be an interesting one to say the least... I have found something I didn't know I was missing at the beginning of the year, and held true to it for the last 11 months. There have been some bumps and scrapes along the way, but nothing has been more fulfilling than the year I have spent with you.

I have compiled, in some, but not super time specific order, the 12 songs of my 2011 year, to do with us, and to do with what we've been through, and done together.

This is my little gift to you, to us...

Happy New Year my love, we can only improve upon what we made 2011, and that, was nothing short of amazing...

Happy Yule

It's been a long time since I've written again. The up's and down's of life, have taken me quite by surprise, and I have failed to update. The shortest day of the year is upon us right now, which brings around a birth of new light and a new year, filled with new hopes, and new dreams.

This year has been particularly hard for myself, and some of the people in my life. I have had numberous financial setbacks, career setbacks, child rearing setbacks, personal setbacks, as well as financial gains, career gains, child rearing gains, and personal gains. All is in balance again.

I have been fortunate to share the better portion this year with someone who is truly amazing. I am so thankful for the presence he has in our life, and he's shown me that anything is possible, with his full love, and support.

My 2012 will start out with an exciting adventure - After 9 years, I am going back to school. I have been accepted into a full time program, with helping people as my bottom line. It is also the time of year where people start considering their resolutions for the year ahead of them. I have contemplated quite a few of them over the last year.

This years resolutions include, but are not limited to:

-Donation of time to a worthwhile charity or organization. I would like to contribue 12 hours a month within my own community. (my minds on Habitat for Humanity and boys & girls club)

-Donation of money to a worthwhile charity or organization. I would like to contribue 25 dollars a month to a worthwhile charity or oganization, that is reputible, and one where the money goes where it should.

-The gradual and hopefully complete removal of wheat products from mine and Alex's life.

-The continuation of my physical improvement at the gym.

-The addition of regular yoga classes, however, I may wait until Yoga in the Park returns.

-Furthered committment to the shaping of my Daughter. including regular lessons/extra cirricular activities.

-Furthered committment to my own, and my daughters spiritual growth.

-Reduction in electronic useage. (not including work related useage)

-Working on being less of a homebody.

-Being more spontaneous.
.. and last but not least

Taking a weekend get-away without anything electronic with my love.


So on that note, can anyone recommend a worthwhile charity that should get my 25 dollars a month?

Love and Other Drugs.

On Monday I turn 29. My birthday, my last year of my twenties. I am hitting the end of a challenging decade. I have learned so many things. I've gone from being what I thought was me, to evolving into something totally different. I've been a lover, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a liar, a cheater, shameful, ashamed, a partier, lazy, earnest, caring, cared for...and so many other things. I have had about 10 different jobs, found no careers, wanted to go to school for about 20 different things.... I have lived in 6 different cities, in dozens of different homes.

Currently, I am: a daughter, a mother, a lover, a friend, an employee, a sister, a maid, a chauffeur, a hairstylist, a personal assistant....and so much more.

I have learned:
that the best things in life happen when you're poorest (and you learn youre the richest)
that the best things in life can take the most work, but are the most rewarding.
that friends are as important as family.
that you choose happiness, not find it.
that love, it hurts, its scary, its amazing, its so many things wrapped up in one.
that parenting is the single hardest, but most amazing job in the world.
that people will always surprise you. expect nothing but the unexpected.
my life is far from perfect, but its perfectly mine.
that my partner is my best friend, and there's nothing better than making it through the day with someone who compliments your life.
that my daughter, keeps me on my toes...I see all my own good, and bad in her.

and I keep learning every day.

thank you to everyone who has been along for the ride, and welcome to everyone just joining it.

Apres Summer.

The summer has gone, and the fall is very much here now. It's been an interesting year in my life, thats for sure. The seasons have defined so much for me.. 

I'm into my second year here, I have made some friends, some close ones, lost a few acquaintances, gained a partner, lost some life baggage. Its been amazing to say the least. 

Right now, I've worked my way back into going to the gym almost every day. Its a good season to do it. Its chilly, you don't know what else to do.. so you hit the gym. It's the season where you're not sure if you want to be outside as much, what the weather is going to do when you do... So I have rekindled my love affair with cardio and weight training. The goal is to get as healthy as I can. The intention is to make myself a healthy person, without as many bad-for-me vices, as I had gotten really lazy over the last little bit.  I have always had a problem with slouching too. My mom used to get on me for it when I was younger, like in my teen years.. and now, at almost 29 I am finally doing something about it. The strength training in my core and back muscles is really helping even after just two weeks, to make sure that I'm not suffering from headaches or neck ache at work anymore. That alone is worth it.

The holidays are fast approaching, and although I won't get to be with my family this year again for Christmas, I have a feeling that the little family I have here will make it just as wonderful. It's been a huge year of financial burdens, sacrifices, and other crummy setbacks in the financial security end of things for me, however, I have faith that things are going to turn around, and life with resume its fast pace with comfort. 

Alex is having a wonderful year at school, we're breaking down old habits, and forming new ones together, and as tough of a road child rearing is... I know we're going to be okay. I am lucky to have a partner who is so emotionally supportive of the strife I am enduring with teaching right and wrong for what won't be the last time, and certainly isn't the first time with Alex. He is helpful in his approaches in how to deal with it, and I am so appreciative of what he helps put in. We've come a long way... 

I miss everyone back home <3 Just so you all know!!

Heres to a gorgeous lead up to 2012. Cheers friends!

Happy birthday, little bean.

It's a day early, but today started your entrance into my life.

I have watched you grow, for 9 years. You were a little blessing that started entry into this world on the anniversary of one of the saddest events the world has ever witnessed. In a day that was filled with reminders of what happened a year earlier, I didn't know that I would be blessed the very next day with my reason for living.

When I held you in my arms for the first time, I knew that I could love nothing more than this little tiny human. The story that is behind us is filled with so many things, so many adventures. We've had quite the time together, and I love you more every day.

So remember, my little bean, as you enter the tough years of life, that it's my job to guide you into adulthood. That it's my job to lay down the law as much as it is to snuggle and hug you too. I promise that I will always be there when times get hard, even if it seems like I am making it harder. I promise to hold your hand through the dark, and love you through all the mistakes we'll make. I promise that I will hear your secrets, if you want to share them with me, and support you through them. I promise that even though this road will get rough and bumpy, that the pavement smooths eventually. I promise that someday, when I am done being the warden, that I will be your best friend, but I will always share in your joy.

You are my greatest accomplishment.

I am so proud to be your mom.

<3

One of those Fridays.

I stumble a lot when I'm in the midst of doing nothing and enjoying it.. its where I find most of my fave reading material.. theres one, that I've had in so many different ways over the years.

The email, the facebook note, the pass along from a friend..

It's called I've learned and it can be found here : analyfe.wordpress.com/2011/06/07/ive-learned/..
But I wanted to share my fave, and personal beliefs from it.

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them

I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse. (still learning how NOT to make excuses though)

I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. (I do this one every single day, as much as humanly possible, even if im just running to the store.)

I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.


:)

How many of those on the list ring true for you?

Stolen from a website... but I love its truth.

the link to this is here.

The Definition of Love

FEB. 18, 2011 

By RYAN O'CONNELL

You can stop taking quizzes in Cosmo. Here’s what love really is.

Love is still wanting to hold someone after you climax. After the initial euphoria from the orgasm wears off, you’re replaced with a sense of calm rather than a panic. You don’t want to search for your clothes, scramble to find your keys and figure out the best way to tell them, “See ya later forever!” You’re fine with chilling out in bed with the person and maybe ordering pad thai later.

Love is unattractive. It can expose our worst traits: Jealousy, irrational fears, heated anger; the gang’s all here! While it can bring out compassion and tenderness, it can also make you behave like the ugliest version of yourself. That can be okay for a little while, but love with real longevity should be like a xanax rather than an adderall.

Love is not afraid to be schmaltzy. There’s a reason why the most popular love songs are so lyrically simple. You can drown it in metaphors all you want but love usually boils down to, “You make me so happy. I want to hold your hand. I just want u 2 be mine 4ever!” You can be a 50-year-old linguistics professor at Columbia University and still find something to relate to in a Mariah Carey ballad if you’re in love because the feelings are so universal. It’s humbling, isn’t it? No matter who you are or what your background is, love can reduce you to Mariah Carey mush.

Love is an all-consuming drug. It gives us these natural highs we’ve only read about in books or heard in songs. It’s addictive. It’s what keeps us going to bars, drinking glasses of wine, going to that stupid house party in Bushwick; it’s all for the possibility of finding love. In the wrong hands, love can be dangerous and scary. If someone lacks a healthy foundation, love can kill. All of these crimes you read about in the newspapers are usually linked to passionate love. “I did it because I loved them just…too much.”

Love is not what our parents had. In high school, you never wanted to think about your mother and father having once slept with people in the backseat of cars and feeling warm and happy. That would make it feel less special and young. It would make love have less to do with you when, EXCUSE ME, it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

Love is getting drunk with your significant other at a party and taking a cab home with your bodies intertwined. You feel safest in these moments, the most secure. Entering a social gathering with someone who loves you is the biggest security blanket. People leave the party as a parade of droopy expressions and sad cocktail dresses. But not you. “Sorry guys, I’m in love! I’m taking a car!”

Love is fucking stupid. Love is fucking smart. Love is about betraying yourself, of compromising your ideals for someone else’s approval. That’s actually the bad kind of love, but I guess it all blurs together when you’re young or when you’re old or when you don’t love yourself.

Love is your significant other telling you about their favorite album and then making a point to fall in love with it on your own. Love is wondering why your better half loves certain things. You think you can find remnants of them in their favorite films, books and songs, but you usually can’t.

Love is finding yourself feeling protective over someone else’s well-being Love is being incensed with rage when someone or something has done your lover wrong.

Love is wanting your partner to cum. And if they can’t, just say, “That’s okay. I’m enjoying this.” It might be bullshit, but they’ll be orgasming in the next five minutes. Trust me.

Love isn’t always marriage. Marriage is spending $60,000 so everyone can know that someone loves you. You know what’s certainly not love? Debt. In some cases, love can be divorce.

Love is a back massage, a mindfuck, a hard cock, a pair of perfect breasts, of feeling unashamed about the cellulite on your body. Love is someone giving a shit about you enough to argue. Love is not passive. Love is “Don’t fucking touch me right now.” Love is “Who the FUCK were you talking to?” Love is sometimes hating yourself for a second. Love is hate. Period. Indifference is the real killer of love and the true antithesis.

When love leaves you, you should be lying on your bathroom floor with no resolve. You’re smoking cigarettes in the bathtub and crying about everything bad that’s ever happened.

Love is someone seeing the beauty in you and wanting to bask in it every day all day. Love is not guaranteed. We are not owed love. That’s why when we get it, we know how lucky we are and hold on to it for dear life.

So, yeah. That’s what love is. Anyone know where to get some?

Times, Trials, and Truffles

Everything is where it should be in my life right now, and I am so appreciative of everything I have. I have my health, and my home, my partner, my family, my job, my friends.. and although sometimes it doesn't feel like I have enough money, or food, or other things.. I realize, that I have everything I need in abundance.

I may not always have enough money, but I keep learning that the best things in life are free.

I may not always have enough food, but you know what, its not about ENOUGH food as much as it is food we'll all eat..haha

I may not look upon every day with appreciation and abundant love, but you know... sometimes it just takes a reminder that everything I have is so special and beautiful.

This is a conscious reminder to give more than I recieve. I don't need to receive to be happy, but giving gives me the most joy and satisfaction out of everything in my life... and giving is the gift that keeps going.

For you.

I don't have to leave anymore
What I have is right here
Spend my nights and days before
Searching the world for what's right here

Underneath and unexplored
Islands and cities I have looked
Here I saw
Something I couldn't over look

I am yours now
So now I don't ever have to leave
I've been found out
So now I'll never explore

See what I've done
That bridge is on fire
Going back to where I've been
I'm froze by desire
No need to leave

Where would I be
IF this were to go under
It's a risk I'd take
I'm froze by desire
As if a choice I'd make

I am yours now
So now I don't ever have to leave
I've been found out
So now I'll never explore

Strength to Make it Through the Day.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown

I read this poem so many times when I was much younger. It always just sounded so... I dunno.. adult? But now, when facing things I haven't faced before, and when being more afraid than I've been in years just to be.. It helps to remind me that when it feels like there's no fight left in you.. .that you mustn't quit, that right at that point, you have to fight your hardest right back out of it.

I am feeling buried by the burdens in my life right now, and that I am a burden to those I care most about. That I'm being oppositional, a shut in, defensive, touchy, needy, weak... I know that I can be these things in moderation with most of the people in my life, however right now.. reaching out is the hardest thing to do.. because my head already tells me to shut up, to snap out of it, to stop whining, focus on what you can do RIGHT NOW, TODAY, instead of feeling sorry for myself, instead of feeling defeated, instead of feeling guilty for burdening those I love.

It's such a shame spiral. I am so used to being strong. I really don't want to be strong right now. I want to be allowed to be weak and vulnerable without fear of repercussions. I dont want to drag anyone into this, but everyone who cares about me, is already involved in some way or another.. because such is life, and the bonds of love and friendship. I am ashamed because I am weak, I am ashamed because I am poor, I am ashamed because I am needy. Which makes everything I was already feeling, feel worse to the 100th degree.

I know I am strong. I know I can get through this. I know these are life's lessons, trials, tribulations, etc.. yadda yadda self help, positive affirmations, etc.

.. but I really just want to fall to my knees and weep. Weep over everything, the last stressful 10 years of my life, to just.. feel the pain and the sorrows wash over me, to let them out and lay them to rest... I just don't know how.

Maybe the storm rolling in will bring some clarity.. if not, it'll take my mind off "oh poor me" for a bit.

Live for Today.

What is tomorrow? Is it 24 hours from now? Is it "after I've slept"? What exactly is tomorrow?

We all hold on for the hope and the promise of tomorrow. When we have a crummy day, we often think "tomorrow is a new day", or "tomorrow will be better", but why don't we look at Today? Why do we put off Today, for Tomorrow?

Living in the now is VERY hard to do. Tomorrow I may not have enough money. Tomorrow I have to work. Tomorrow I have an appointment. Tomorrow I'll clean the house. Tomorrow I'll book that vacation. Tomorrow I'll ______.

Like most people, I have a job, a child, chores, friends, a partner, family... it's all too easy to say "I'll do that tomorrow"  I am busy, or I am lazy. Or I get a case of the "I simply don't want to's".

But really, what are we waiting for? Are we waiting for the excuse of tomorrow? Do you really think that tomorrow will bring better than today can?

I think I'll make the choice, to do all the things I can in a day. If I can live with not completing it because I may never wake up tomorrow, then I will take those things and put them aside. If they're things that I need to take care of now, because tomorrow will only prolong the suffering/avoidance, etc.. then I will take those things and face them head on.

I don't want tomorrow to be an excuse for not living for today. I choose to live in the now.

Someone wonderful, and close to me said "The past is yesterday, the future is tomorrow, but you can only live for today, which is why they call it "The Present". Its a gift."

So, I choose to accept my gift :)

Community Yoga

So, I have a friend who let me know about Free Yoga in the Park!

I think this is an amazing benefit for those who want to experience yoga, without the expense! They have programs like this all over the place too, not just in Red Deer! I will be taking FULL advantage of this, as well as our other community (free) resources for being healthy!

In Vancouver (or otherwise), if you were wanting to participate in yoga, just check out your local Lululemon store, they always have free classes there. (just go here!)

Google  your area, to see what is being offered for you and yours!

Karma yoga (Sanskrit: कर्म योग), or the "discipline of action" is a form of yoga based on the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita, a sacred Sanskrit scripture of Hinduism. Of the four paths to realization, karma yoga is the science of achieving perfection in action. Karma yoga is an intrinsic part of many derivative types of yoga, such as Natya Yoga.

I have been reading the Bhagavad Gita.. its an amazing read.

Time to get back into my buddhist readings and teachings, as I have let them slide for far too long.

Namaste!

Hopelessness.

Have you ever felt hopeless? I mean.. truly and utterly hopeless? Unable to make any changes in anything that seems to be going on around you hopeless? I feel that way right now.

I have so many situations that I really have no control over, going on in my life right now, and I am unable to just let them be so to speak. I am consumed with ways of trying to better them, fix them, make them right, and its in everything from my work, to a couple personal relationships I have, and no matter how much energy I invest into them, it doesn't seem to make a difference.

I have forgotten how to let go of situations that are out of my .. control.

It's really hopeless feeling, because I want to make it all right.

So, I do what I can, and I am sitting.. playing the waiting game now. 

Monster Licenses

Haha so a friend of mine found me this page GO HERE NOW

I registered as a succubus hahahah

Please find the amusement in that with me... the certificate it in my purse ;)

~me

IF you are squeamish about girl topics, read no further.

Dear Menstrual Cycle,

You are a necessary part of my life, I understand this. You help me cleanse my body and discard unnecessary tissues. Sweet. Thank you.

However, I feel the need to ask you a few questions, and have a few simple requests.

Why is it, that you come into my life like a hurricane, with might and fury that is relentless? I am just trying to live my life like any other woman. I would appreciate it if you would leave my hormones alone, because really, turning me into a weeping, needy woman even for a day every month is too much. I would appreciate it if you left a door knocker next time so that I know when to expect you.

Why is it, that you have to cost me so damned much? I mean, I already spend too much on things that a woman needs, and then to top it off, your irregularity in flow, tends to cost me that much more. Do you think of things like, the cost of products? The cost of electricity? How about the time you take from me? I didn't think you did. Lets try to be a little less selfish shall we, we have to share the same space, it's just kinder this way.

When you leave me crippled because of your need to expel things from my body, why is it that when I do the things I should, like feed you water, and stretch, and other various ways of coping.. you still have to punch me from the inside? Again, we share the same space, and if you keep this up, I may find myself asking you to move out. Please respect my personal space, and I will in turn continue to respect yours.

I hope you understand that I love you, and I know you have your reasons for doing all of the above, however, I hope that with this little conversation we have had, you will remember that you affect the lives of others.

Yours truly,

Lauren

mentalblock.

I can't think of anything to write lately, I've had a serious mental block. 

I want to write, I want to express so much... but I just can't find the words to do it.

Stressful Times.

Lately, I have been under a lot of pressure at work. We have had a new Kisok installed so that we could keep up with mall standards, making everything look a lot nicer. I was SO excited for this event, because it meant that I could finally call it my own! So the big day comes, and me and a co-worker were here to set it all up.. well things just kept going wrong, and eventually I just broke down in tears.  It just all got to be too much. I don't know if it was the stress, or the other things going on in my life, however.. It was just too much.

I find that with everything thats goin on in my life, from some uphill personal battles, to work battles, to rearing children battles, that sometimes you need to just take a step away from things, and regroup.. but right now, I am at a loss on how to do that.

I need to start taking the time for me again. I haven't practiced yoga or meditation since Febuary, when I got quite ill, I have been content just to sleep all the time, and now I am missing out on the fantastic weather we've had as well.

On a brighter note, I have now "hired" myself an amazing counsellor to assist with a lot of the things I am dealing with in my personal life. She is the woman I spoke of a few months ago, and she is one of the few people who I really think would be able to help me through, and give me techniques to find myself. I am working really hard these days at just being real, and being me, however, finding that person when you've buried her due to whatever life has thrown at you is quite hard.

I also recently ended a long term relationship/friendship. This relationship has been toxic for me for as long as I can remember, however I found I was holding onto it for some very insecurity based reasons. The romantic relationship itself ended long ago, but I continued the emotional aspects of it till about January/Febuary, when I decided that it was just me stringing him along because of my own anger, and my own resentment. I officially ended the friendship as well, because it was just as toxic.

So, as stressed as I am, I am making some pretty large changes in my life, the way I often do when I realize something in the way I am isn't working the way it should, but this time, instead of trying to "change me", I am trying to find me again. The me thats buried down deep inside me, thats screaming to be let out.

I have committed to 10+ mins a day of physical activity again, we have these great little parks here that have stand alone gym equipment that is based on using your own body weight, so I am stoked to be doing that nightly on my way home from work, and recently a friend and I have decided that riding bikes to work would be awesome too.

So hopefully I'll be following up on everything sooner than later, I need to get into writing again, but I recently have felt like this wasn't a safe place to share my thoughts.

Be well.

Derby Derby Derby....

I noticed a lot what the winters out here can do. It's bleak and cold - the skies are blue but unwarming, and I find that most of the people I know are at a loss of things to do, including me. It doesn't help that things are so cold, and that I don't know the town very well either.

Last night I had a friend suggest roller derby, and oh my god, I had a blast! I can't remember the last time I had that much fun, without it being a bar or a couple friends drinking.

Roller Derby in Red Deer looks like a freakin blast. I think I want to join, I'm on a mission to find me some roller skates that will work for derby, the rest of the gear is pretty easy to come by.

W.W.J.D - What Would Johnson Do? Best Derby name EVER.

Ahh my romance with derby has returned!

~ me

I Have Missed the Sunshine.

Lately I've been feeling, well, different. I don't know how to explain the differences, other than knowing I am learning right from wrong all over again, much like you do when you're a child, just from a much different perspective than I'm sure I would have given it then.

I read through my blog sometimes, and I see the ways I have changed, not just in what I write, but how I write it. I follow other blogs, and I read what they're writing too, and we're all very passionate about our "things" beliefs, items, articles, subjects, life choices, life messes... we're all as real and as passionate as we can be.

I feel lately, rather guilty for the whole mess I caused for someone who didn't deserve it. I hate that I hurt him the way I did, and I hate that I didn't fully realize the things I have until they were put in front of my face the way they have been, not just by him, but by the friends of ours that got pulled into the situation. I expect anger and emotion from a lot of people. I really don't mind it. It hurts, of course it hurts, I'm am full of shame and remorse for the situations at hand, and I am ready and willing to hear the things people have to say.

My ability to face the truth, and receive what people need to say, is front and center. I am not skirting what has happened, and I am not skirting the responses either.

However, I feel that of course because there was a 6 month door put in the way of all of it, that people expect that I am the same person now, that I was then. I don't believe that is true at all. I believe that people as a whole are capable or growing and changing, especially when they know before being told by anyone that something they did, something that happened, may not have been the way it was perceived. I was aware of this, however, I had to take some steps, and make some changes to be able to receive all that I have. It wouldn't have done anyone any good if I was still in the same shitpoor state that I was in then. I am aware that in this situation, that time didn't work in anyones favor. For that, I will once again say sorry.

I am me, I am human, and I make mistakes just like anyone else. I didn't mean for this mistake to have destroyed so many friendships, to have caused so much heartache, nor did I mean for it to make and cause the troubles that it has, especially for him.

My confession - Part Two. - The friends I used and lost.

So, I can't fully do this, without disclosing what happened to the people around me as well.

The months before I even met the man I wronged, I had a few friends who were there for me. They listened to me, they cared about me, and I for them. We had never met face to face, and those friends changed over time, but they were always there. Something I have realized about myself - when I feel overwhelmed by a situation, even if theres no fault to be had from either party, I will go and blame the other person, and explain, tell and fabricate small things in ways that leave me looking clean in spite of everything that they don't know. I have become someone who is content to perpetuate drama. To have "oh poor Lauren" bestowed upon her. "Whatever will you do?" "Why are you putting yourself through this?" Its been that way for years. I guess I like to try to play the Martyr. I like to be revered for my ability to withstand and appear strong given various situations outcomes - blah blah blah.

Lets face the cold hard facts shall we?

I am quite weak. I can be strong in the face of actual situations, I have learned that its fight or flight, and I toil between both, however emotionally, I am quite weak. I play up the situations in my life, to make me feel stronger about my choices.

I will manipulate a situation to try to come out looking like I was clean throughout it. That I am perfect, that I was better than it all. This is not true at all. I have recently learned humility, shame, and guilt - three things i've experienced in such small doses becuase I've chosen to ignore it before, however have been very prevalant in this situation because of this situation, and I don't expect the lessons learned from this situation to go away soon after.

I don't like to be viewed in a negative light. HOWEVER, facing the facts of what I did before, I realized the whole time I was telling myself I was making myself look good, I was actually embarassing myself far further than I had to. infact, if I hadn't taken such measures like I didn, a post like this wouldn't be necessary.

To the people who stood by me throughout this situation. I admire you're ability to stay friends with someone who has created so much needless and senseless drama. To the people who are still friends with me after reading the truth, hearing the truth, and knowing the truth - You people mean the world to me. You're true friends who realize underneath it all, I'm not a terrible person, and for that, I thank you.

To those who were pulled and (Seemingly forced) into believing one side or the other, I apologize for the things and the actions I took to ensure that one side or the other was chosen. For those who chose to do it because they saw the truth through my bullshit? I'm glad you did, I wasn't worth the friendship at the time, and you made the right decisions.

For those who have ever felt a sense of guilt or betrayl for something they did when I lost my marbles, in the process of side picking, etc... please don't. I don't hold you responsible for your actions, the only person I have to blame for losing the friendships I did, is me.

I want to name names so badly so that I can point out specifically who I am talking to and about, but that wouldn't be fair to the people I never even knew were affected by it all (and trust me, I am sure there are a lot of you... its dark when your head is up your ass)

I am not asking for your forgiveness, I am asking you to realize, that I have indeed understood where I went wrong in a lot of ways. Maybe not specifically to our direct situation, but given time, I am committed to individually apologizing to those who will receive it.

I am sorry for the ways I mislead you, the ways I betrayed our friendships, for hurting you, for hurting your friend.

Shamefully,

Me

My Confession.

With the winter slowly melting away, and the spring making a large entrance into life, I have noticed so many things that the winters discontent happened to bring forth into my life.

I have spoken breifly without much detail about a "situation" that happened to "plague" my life in September of last year. Those who are close to me know my details on what happened, some of you have no clue.

In the spirit of my blog, and my (newly found) foundations, I put forth a communication between someone who I felt I had wronged, to try to set things right, and with that came a lot more than what I had anticipated. It's hard without giving too much detail, not to be so vague, because I don't know what information the other party wants revealed in the situation. In the values that go behind setting records straight, I will put forth as much as I can here.

Lets start January/Feb of 2010.

I was living in BC, you had become a part of my life that I was interested in continuing further. We talked for hours, at work, through msn, through text. You made me laugh, and laugh in a way that I hadn't been able to laugh in years. You renewed that feeling of "life would be okay" just through our conversations, however I was hesitant to come forth with a lot of the information about my life that was necessary to have an open and honest relationship with you. Its a part of me that I have struggled with for a very long time. Lying by omission. I often think because things aren't important to me, that theres no need to pass it along. I've started to realize, that if its something I can say "oh its not that important" to, that really, I should be disclosing it.

Carry forward a couple of months to June, I come visit for a second time, and really put into motion that I no longer want to be in BC, but want to see what life could be like out here in Alberta. I don't know if YOU were the main catalyst for that, or if it was my need to run that started it, but either way.. from June onward it was my goal to be here.

I put out of my mind anything and everything else except being out here and being with you. I think that worked against us, because I had a preconceived opinion on how things "should" go, and yet so many hesitations. I have realized I don't know how to go into something without it being extreme from the get go.

When I got here, there was a situation that arose with some "so called friends" I had, that despite being terrible to me the months leading up to my move out there, moved my things for me, but got belligerant once they had my stuff in the driveway. You stepped up. You came forward and protected me and my family. You put yourself out there, and really showed me how amazing you could be. I am so terrified of conflict, especially when my reasoning is simply "because I want to" or "because I don't want to". This is part of my issue in dealing with conflict that took us to where we were.

Once I moved out here, things spiralled out of control for me - it wasn't you at all. I had conflict in my life with my ex partner and the lack of resolution for how things went there (or even my insecurity), missing my family, being depressed, being a shut in, becoming emotionally volatile. I can't imagine what it must have been like watching someone you love just completely break down and not be able to do anything about it.

Once we were living together, I don't know.. the idea of what I wanted changed? I was unhappy? Im pretty sure it was with myself more than it ever was with you, and then of course, when I started talking with my ex, I blew everything right out of proportion. I became a totally bipolar person. Again, I can only imagine what it was like trying to talk to me, or be around me.

The night everything happened, I had determined that I wasn't capable of just asking you to leave, that of course in all my dramatic fashion, I would have to make it personal, and make it a fight. I had convinced myself that if I was to lose you, I had to REALLY lose you, force you out.  I drank, I drank excessively. I talked to anyone who would listen and potentially side with me on the concerns I had about us, just to have someone.. ANYONE tell me that leaving you was the 100% right thing to do. I always needed that "assurance" of people who had no clue about anything telling me what to do, as I was too weak to make decisions on my own. This wasn't anything NEW to me, however it was something I chose to be ignorant to.

So I got what I needed. People had confirmed with me that my speculations about you could potentially be true. I didn't ever get into how *I* treated you, only the ways you responded to it, and without my side in things yours always looked really bad. Gotta paint myself in the bright light right?

When you got home that night, I went out of my way to pick the biggest fight I could with you, in simple hopes of you just leaving. I didn't think that *I* would spiral out of control as badly as I did, but I also couldn't figure out with me being that terrible, why you would want to just stay, and so I became further determined to get you out. By any means necessary. I pushed you, I goaded you, I harassed you, and eventually I won. You were leaving. I locked you out with no keys, no wallet, no phone, no smokes.. and when in your frustration of the beating I had laid out caused you to have your ONE lash out in frustration, I happened to take that an run with it. Oh god, the door came crashing in at me, he was trying to attack me. He did it all with my child in the home. Oh my god he's such a terrible person. I am an angel, I did nothing wrong.... we both know thats not the case. I felt justified for whatever reason I told myself in everything I did.

When the police got involved, I thought I was doing what I needed to do to protect myself, however, and although its taken me time to realize it, I was never a victim. My actions, my responses to our actions, and how I laid things out in the weeks following, made you more of a victim of the shitpile I caused more than anything you did to me. When we were finally able to sit down and discuss things, thats when the reality of what my actions have caused came truly clear to me. I knew what had gone on, your sister and I are close friends, however, hearing it from you.. I don't know why it made so much of a difference, but I needed to hear how I wronged you, from you.

So, my admissions in the situations from 6 months ago, have led me to a place, where I am determined to make things right. I am determined to let everyone who was affected by my part in this situation know the truth, and how I used the sitations for my own gain, which resulted in someone elses immediate losses, and continued losses. I manipulated specific situations to keep someone out of my life, and I came to realize how wrong I was in that.

Sometimes it takes going backwards to move forwards.

I am taking steps to have this situation removed from the other parties life. This admission of my guilt is not the only action I have taken to making this situation right, however it's a crucial part that people know the truth.

Shamefully,

Me.

Ready, Set, Spring.

Well friends.. Its been a while since I've written a thing!

Spring has hit my town kinda full force lately! Its been such a beautiful couple of weeks, but I had been too under the weather to enjoy them. :(

Today starts the beginning of hopefully a beautiful relationship all over again with my love for exercise, my love for yoga, and my love for meditation. This is going to be the week I commit to cleansing. My home, myself and my soul yet again. I love the spring mostly for the excuse to do it  Or to use it as the excuse to do it, or to do it as an excuse?

Yeah, I twisted myself up with that one too.

So the spring is a time of renewal for me. It could be the fact that its been ingrained in me from a young age, spring cleaning, spring babies, all that fun stuff that life seems to throw out there, but I always take full advantage of the rebirth of the earth after long cold winters have slowly left.

So I wish you all a happy spring, and may you accomplish all your cleaning and goalsetting desires for the rest of the warm season!!!

March... ahh March.

This is the month where back home, I could look forward to much warmer weather, blue skies, (okay lots of rain) and the beginning of "outdoor season". I'm hoping that it means the same thing here in Alberta as well. I know we have bipolar weather here, but I am seriously looking forward to increasing frequency of warmer days, possibly some rain.. I miss the rain.

I am looking forward to this running clinic I am doing through Mountain Co-Op, I am just hoping not to freeze my bits off!
This Spring/Summer is going to have a massive active focus on it for me. I will not allow myself to gain weight again the way I have in the past. I have been rather sloth over the last month or so, I'm not sure if its due to being back to work, or if its just the weather, laziness, comfort.. but I have been blah!

I need to find my routines again. Get into them, sink into them. I should find a couple good yoga classes around here and take part, or actually buy my recumbent bike for the basement. Nothing screams workout like basement, laundry, and ipod.. and either way, I'm stoked.

Wait till ya see me!!

I'll be buff, and glowing!

Blue skies, warmer weather?

After 5 long months of cold, and wind, and snow, I am looking forward to the summer. The winter is beautiful, I love the crisp weather, and the blue skies, but REALLY... I would love some warm sun beating down on me. To go outside and not be smacked in the face with -20 weather would be wonderful.

I find that I have no drive these days to do much of anything physical. The idea of going to the gym, sweating my ass off, and going outside into that cold, isn't much fun in my mind. I am damned cold, even now, under my blankets.

I find that I want to spend more and more time in bed these days. Its a warm comfortable place, where I am happy, and in my zen. Between work, and having a social life, and having a child, I find my bed is my perfect little relaxation den - it really is where it's all about me.

I am happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. I wish I could go into details, but for now, just know.

Namaste. 

No means Yes?

I spend a lot of time at work reading the news, and I find that although I remain rather unstirred and impartial about a lot of the terrible things I read, this one caught my attention.

Victim To Blame?

There are a couple of stories on google news about it, and honestly, some of the things I've read in it, bother me immensely.

"Judge Dewar listed several reasons for this misinterpretation, including that the victim and her friend were wearing tube tops, high heels and makeup; that the two had implied they might want to go skinny-dipping in a lake nearby and that the circumstances of their encounter with Mr. Rhodes and his friend were “inviting.”"

I mean really? Its the middle of the summer, its hot out, we don't live in India or Pakistan or somewhere us women need to be FULLY clothed - but somehow with drinking and flirtations, oh and the addition of heels and a tube top sans bra - means that she wanted it?

Okay, so I can't point out how many different ways of wrong this is. First off - yes, its the media, so of course they publish what they want to, to make an impact with their story - but if this is really what the judge was saying, I am confused for sexual assault rights in Canada! This is a classic case of Date Rape.

I am most confused about "what she was wearing" holding any bearing on the "invitation of sexual intercourse". If I was to wear a bikini to the beach, is that going to be taken as a valid "invitation"?

Men - remember, I don't care how drunk you are, how drunk she is, how slutty she seems, how shes dressed, if the words NO, I'm not sure, I don't want to, I don't think I can, not right now, ANYTHING with a negative come out? ITS A NO GO ZONE. Plus, wouldn't it be more fun if she came to you for it instead of you going to her?

Ladies - Be clear of what you mean when you say it. If it's someone who respects you, he won't be hurt by the words "I don't want to have sex with you". (and if you say it THAT clearly? There is nothing left to translation either.)

Better yet? Lets just all be celibate.

...just kidding.

The Only Explantion

I have posted from Oriah Mountain Dreamer before Here

Her blog can be found Here

The Moment Before

I want to touch
the sharp taste
of the moment in between
the second just before
the place where
the breath catches
in anticipation.

It's the scent of heat held in the air
between two mouths
reaching for each other, hungry.
The shine of moisture on slightly parted lips
just before
it melts into
the wetness of the other.

It is the skin that tingles
waiting
fine hairs at attention
reaching
aching.
It is the places that have not yet been touched
but know they will be.
It is the smooth, quivering paleness
of the inner thigh
as the outer is stroked and kneaded.
The muscles of the abdomen tightening
the back arching slightly
begging
come here
quickly
slowly.

There, in that moment
do not take your eyes from mine.
I am here
awake

I am
reaching
to be
met.

Do not touch me and keep your soul
out of your fingertips.
Die into me
or do not come into me at all.
Ever after is in this moment
happily or not.

Sacrifice the daydream.
Dare to hold the desire
for a great love.

Be with me.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer © 1995 from Dreams of Desire All rights reserved.

Serendipity.

the days of simplicity.  

taco chips and coke. 

movies and music

mosquitoes and bad jokes

before the solitude

the confusion

the angst. 

conversation and cigarettes

music and reminiscing 

hope that tomorrow

will be brighter still. 

Forward into life.

Yoga is something that's become a bit of a fundamental base for me in the past few months. It was something that I always wanted to get into, and I became so addicted to it. Its something that's amazing for stress release, and emotional release too.

The gym as well, and combining the two of them.

I have found that throughout this last year or so, the introduction of yoga and the gym has done a lot for my body, but it's done a lot for my mind too.

About two years ago, I am pretty sure I hit somewhere dark in my mind, in my heart. I couldn't tell you what happened, or why, or if there was a specific trigger - but it took over me and didn't let go until my feet started hitting literal pavement.

I took up running. I did some retail therapy, and it resulted in some work out clothing, expensive runners, and a gym pass. I started slow. I went to the gym a few days a week, I started at running slowly, a few mins on the treadmill, a few on the elliptical.  My cardio was shit, but I kept at it. Before the introduction of a physical routine, I was a defeatist, and those who know me well, would tell you that is 100% truth. Instead of trying to find a solution to things, defeat was easier to accept.

It took a life altering choice to make this decision.

I turned the world of two people I cared about upside down, and inside out.  It wasn't MY world that was broken.. it was theirs. I was convinced that they were both so incredibly screwed up, that it couldn't possibly be me. With one, I just pushed him away. I didn't do it the right way. I spent a good year and a half breaking down.

The other, was much worse. I took a thousand wrong steps, and broke that life into pieces. It resulted in two perfectly normal people, becoming completely messed up. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and I just sank into my selfishness.

It took these two situations in less than 6 months, to realize that I couldn't just point fingers at other people anymore. I was angry at myself. I hated who I was, who I had become, and what I had done to hurt people I cared about. I don't know, but I'm sure I hurt more than just those two people. Anyways..I couldn't make things right overnight, I had to take time, and make the effort.

The effort started at the gym, and the amount of things I have realized maybe because of being alone, pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion. It took hours upon hours of bending and stretching and finding my center. Breathing, and sweating, and focusing. It really did clear my head. Loud music, (loud Prem Joshua) and doing things that I didn't think my body could do. It turned itself into being surprised at what my mind could do. I've read for years the benefits of physical activity on depression, but I never really understood it.

I have made changes, and seen a lot of light in seemingly dark tunnels. I have accepted what it was I have done, and discoveries are made every day, and I'm more okay now than I have been in a long time. Before to have things that I have done wrong discussed with me, I would have gone off the deep end. I was "perfect". I am not perfect. I don't WANT to be perfect. I want to be real. I want to be me. I want to be loved for being me, the me that people in my life have deserved for years, instead of the me that I wanted to be.

The true you is an invaluable discovery. For some, athletics can be a key to finding it. For me, it opened a million and one doors to myself that I didn't even know were closed.

And now, I can truly say, that I am on a strong path to happiness, but more importantly, I am taking stock in the people in my life that deserve to have the REAL me.

I'm building me my very own getaway car...

Who let the cat out?

Who´s in charge here?

Whats the latest? am I supposed to be here?

Have you met him? Have you met her?

Well he´s the greatest but she thinks she´s better

Who let the minutes hold you hostage?

Who´s said they´re better when they havent started?

I meant to tell you but you looked too tired

I meant to tell you but the race had started

Who´s shooting this pilot it will never get made?

Who wrote this song it will never get played?

I´ve been here for so long I might as well stay

it looks as though things are never gonna change

So if the moment´s hard to find

Or the perfect place to hide

I´m building me my very own getaway car

So introduce me while I´m floating

My smile feels tired and I think its showing

Please excuse me the water´s shallow

I hear what youre saying though its hard to swallow

I´ll fight the courage treading water

Why sink or swim here when nobody bothers

I meant to tell you but you looked too tired

I meant to tell you but the race had started

Who´s shooting this pilot it will never get made?

Who wrote this song it will never get played?

I´ve been here for so long I might as well stay

It looks as though things are never gonna change

So if the moment´s hard to find

Or the perfect place to hide

I´m building me my very own getaway car

It feels like a play on an evercrowded stage

Every face in the crowd whispered words getting loud

Let the song set the stage let the voices change

Cue the choir hit the lights let the violin sustain

Who´s shooting this pilot it will never get made?

Who wrote this song it will never get played?

I´ve been here for so long I might as well stay

It looks as though things are never gonna change

So if the moment´s hard to find

Or the perfect place to hide

I´m building me my very own getaway car