Finding me.

It's no secret for those who take the time to read what I write, that I've cycled over the last while and struggled to find my footing since I moved away from Vancouver.

Since I've been in Alberta, I've had to find my OWN way to live, without the umbrella that is my family, which of course, in 29 years, has never happened.

This last two years, I've had many new experiences, not all of which have been positive, but I've learned from all of them. I've been broke, hungry, in pain, alone, loved, cherished, I have loved, I've watched my daughter blossom, I've lost 80 lbs, I've developed stronger relationships with my family, and come to rely on them a lot less when things aren't going as planned, I've stopped taking things for granted, and so many other things.

One of the things that I've done a lot of in the last two years, is start reading more blogs. To learn, to grow, to share meaningfully in others lives, and to make new connections. I have lost myself in worlds of minimalism, and yoga, Buddhism, and parenting. I've laughed, and cried, been appalled, ashamed, joyous. I have found some of my strength through other people's words, and learned that life isn't a bed of roses for everyone, all the time.

I just want to say thank you. To those who have shared my journey. Who have read my blog, who have offered advice, stories, who have engaged with me. Who have offered up kind words in trying times, and let me into a part of their world. You're words, thoughts, opinions - they're appreciated, and cherished. Even if we've never met, we've never laughed or cried together, never had coffee...or anything else... You're valuable. :)

Again, thank you for inspiring me.

It gets harder and harder to look on the bright side. I'm seriously not doing well since my accident. I am tired of complaining, even though, I hurt 100 times more than I ever express in my complaints, because really - what can the people around me really do? I'm tired of laying around, tired of watching movies, tired of feeling so down, tired of feeling sorry for myself, tired of putting people around me through it too.
I spent almost an hour on the phone with my mom this morning, just bawling. I'm so tired. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this uphill battle.

School was supposed to happen this year, and didn't. My job goes to shit, and then this car accident happens. I know I'm probably going to get let go when I am better, and then I'll be in no better a situation than I am now.
My relationships are all suffering - I am struggling to maintain any sort of respectful relationship with my daughter, and now its going to get worse because I can't BE there. Pain, im short tempered, less pain, im dozing thanks to the meds. Now, im in this place of need, and I hate that I am dumping this much shit on my partner again.

*sigh* its gotta get better right?

A week ago today.

A week ago today, I was driving to work, as I do every morning. It was a typical monday with a typical monday facebook post "what will monday hold for me?" And not 10 mins after I ask the universes, a truck hits me at a red light. From the side. He was gunning to go left, I was going straight through, and he decided last minute to turn right... into me.

So for the last week, I have been in pain, and in bed. I have lateral whiplash, and some residual PTSD from it. Having large trucks come into my perepherial vision while I drive has caused some rather large panic attacks. So right now, I am taking the time to say oh poor me. I start Physio on Wednesday. Hopefully that will be the start to wellness for me. The headaches are excruciating. The meds that make me feel better, only keep me from spending real time with those I love, because they make me tired. Going without, makes every muscle in my thighs up to my neck hurt. I will overcome this. I will get back into my yoga practice. That's what I miss the most. The freedom to bend and move the way I was able to before. It will come again, with stronger focus than before I hope.