Apres Summer.

The summer has gone, and the fall is very much here now. It's been an interesting year in my life, thats for sure. The seasons have defined so much for me.. 

I'm into my second year here, I have made some friends, some close ones, lost a few acquaintances, gained a partner, lost some life baggage. Its been amazing to say the least. 

Right now, I've worked my way back into going to the gym almost every day. Its a good season to do it. Its chilly, you don't know what else to do.. so you hit the gym. It's the season where you're not sure if you want to be outside as much, what the weather is going to do when you do... So I have rekindled my love affair with cardio and weight training. The goal is to get as healthy as I can. The intention is to make myself a healthy person, without as many bad-for-me vices, as I had gotten really lazy over the last little bit.  I have always had a problem with slouching too. My mom used to get on me for it when I was younger, like in my teen years.. and now, at almost 29 I am finally doing something about it. The strength training in my core and back muscles is really helping even after just two weeks, to make sure that I'm not suffering from headaches or neck ache at work anymore. That alone is worth it.

The holidays are fast approaching, and although I won't get to be with my family this year again for Christmas, I have a feeling that the little family I have here will make it just as wonderful. It's been a huge year of financial burdens, sacrifices, and other crummy setbacks in the financial security end of things for me, however, I have faith that things are going to turn around, and life with resume its fast pace with comfort. 

Alex is having a wonderful year at school, we're breaking down old habits, and forming new ones together, and as tough of a road child rearing is... I know we're going to be okay. I am lucky to have a partner who is so emotionally supportive of the strife I am enduring with teaching right and wrong for what won't be the last time, and certainly isn't the first time with Alex. He is helpful in his approaches in how to deal with it, and I am so appreciative of what he helps put in. We've come a long way... 

I miss everyone back home <3 Just so you all know!!

Heres to a gorgeous lead up to 2012. Cheers friends!

Happy birthday, little bean.

It's a day early, but today started your entrance into my life.

I have watched you grow, for 9 years. You were a little blessing that started entry into this world on the anniversary of one of the saddest events the world has ever witnessed. In a day that was filled with reminders of what happened a year earlier, I didn't know that I would be blessed the very next day with my reason for living.

When I held you in my arms for the first time, I knew that I could love nothing more than this little tiny human. The story that is behind us is filled with so many things, so many adventures. We've had quite the time together, and I love you more every day.

So remember, my little bean, as you enter the tough years of life, that it's my job to guide you into adulthood. That it's my job to lay down the law as much as it is to snuggle and hug you too. I promise that I will always be there when times get hard, even if it seems like I am making it harder. I promise to hold your hand through the dark, and love you through all the mistakes we'll make. I promise that I will hear your secrets, if you want to share them with me, and support you through them. I promise that even though this road will get rough and bumpy, that the pavement smooths eventually. I promise that someday, when I am done being the warden, that I will be your best friend, but I will always share in your joy.

You are my greatest accomplishment.

I am so proud to be your mom.

<3

One of those Fridays.

I stumble a lot when I'm in the midst of doing nothing and enjoying it.. its where I find most of my fave reading material.. theres one, that I've had in so many different ways over the years.

The email, the facebook note, the pass along from a friend..

It's called I've learned and it can be found here : analyfe.wordpress.com/2011/06/07/ive-learned/..
But I wanted to share my fave, and personal beliefs from it.

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them

I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse. (still learning how NOT to make excuses though)

I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. (I do this one every single day, as much as humanly possible, even if im just running to the store.)

I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.


:)

How many of those on the list ring true for you?

Stolen from a website... but I love its truth.

the link to this is here.

The Definition of Love

FEB. 18, 2011 

By RYAN O'CONNELL

You can stop taking quizzes in Cosmo. Here’s what love really is.

Love is still wanting to hold someone after you climax. After the initial euphoria from the orgasm wears off, you’re replaced with a sense of calm rather than a panic. You don’t want to search for your clothes, scramble to find your keys and figure out the best way to tell them, “See ya later forever!” You’re fine with chilling out in bed with the person and maybe ordering pad thai later.

Love is unattractive. It can expose our worst traits: Jealousy, irrational fears, heated anger; the gang’s all here! While it can bring out compassion and tenderness, it can also make you behave like the ugliest version of yourself. That can be okay for a little while, but love with real longevity should be like a xanax rather than an adderall.

Love is not afraid to be schmaltzy. There’s a reason why the most popular love songs are so lyrically simple. You can drown it in metaphors all you want but love usually boils down to, “You make me so happy. I want to hold your hand. I just want u 2 be mine 4ever!” You can be a 50-year-old linguistics professor at Columbia University and still find something to relate to in a Mariah Carey ballad if you’re in love because the feelings are so universal. It’s humbling, isn’t it? No matter who you are or what your background is, love can reduce you to Mariah Carey mush.

Love is an all-consuming drug. It gives us these natural highs we’ve only read about in books or heard in songs. It’s addictive. It’s what keeps us going to bars, drinking glasses of wine, going to that stupid house party in Bushwick; it’s all for the possibility of finding love. In the wrong hands, love can be dangerous and scary. If someone lacks a healthy foundation, love can kill. All of these crimes you read about in the newspapers are usually linked to passionate love. “I did it because I loved them just…too much.”

Love is not what our parents had. In high school, you never wanted to think about your mother and father having once slept with people in the backseat of cars and feeling warm and happy. That would make it feel less special and young. It would make love have less to do with you when, EXCUSE ME, it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

Love is getting drunk with your significant other at a party and taking a cab home with your bodies intertwined. You feel safest in these moments, the most secure. Entering a social gathering with someone who loves you is the biggest security blanket. People leave the party as a parade of droopy expressions and sad cocktail dresses. But not you. “Sorry guys, I’m in love! I’m taking a car!”

Love is fucking stupid. Love is fucking smart. Love is about betraying yourself, of compromising your ideals for someone else’s approval. That’s actually the bad kind of love, but I guess it all blurs together when you’re young or when you’re old or when you don’t love yourself.

Love is your significant other telling you about their favorite album and then making a point to fall in love with it on your own. Love is wondering why your better half loves certain things. You think you can find remnants of them in their favorite films, books and songs, but you usually can’t.

Love is finding yourself feeling protective over someone else’s well-being Love is being incensed with rage when someone or something has done your lover wrong.

Love is wanting your partner to cum. And if they can’t, just say, “That’s okay. I’m enjoying this.” It might be bullshit, but they’ll be orgasming in the next five minutes. Trust me.

Love isn’t always marriage. Marriage is spending $60,000 so everyone can know that someone loves you. You know what’s certainly not love? Debt. In some cases, love can be divorce.

Love is a back massage, a mindfuck, a hard cock, a pair of perfect breasts, of feeling unashamed about the cellulite on your body. Love is someone giving a shit about you enough to argue. Love is not passive. Love is “Don’t fucking touch me right now.” Love is “Who the FUCK were you talking to?” Love is sometimes hating yourself for a second. Love is hate. Period. Indifference is the real killer of love and the true antithesis.

When love leaves you, you should be lying on your bathroom floor with no resolve. You’re smoking cigarettes in the bathtub and crying about everything bad that’s ever happened.

Love is someone seeing the beauty in you and wanting to bask in it every day all day. Love is not guaranteed. We are not owed love. That’s why when we get it, we know how lucky we are and hold on to it for dear life.

So, yeah. That’s what love is. Anyone know where to get some?

Times, Trials, and Truffles

Everything is where it should be in my life right now, and I am so appreciative of everything I have. I have my health, and my home, my partner, my family, my job, my friends.. and although sometimes it doesn't feel like I have enough money, or food, or other things.. I realize, that I have everything I need in abundance.

I may not always have enough money, but I keep learning that the best things in life are free.

I may not always have enough food, but you know what, its not about ENOUGH food as much as it is food we'll all eat..haha

I may not look upon every day with appreciation and abundant love, but you know... sometimes it just takes a reminder that everything I have is so special and beautiful.

This is a conscious reminder to give more than I recieve. I don't need to receive to be happy, but giving gives me the most joy and satisfaction out of everything in my life... and giving is the gift that keeps going.

For you.

I don't have to leave anymore
What I have is right here
Spend my nights and days before
Searching the world for what's right here

Underneath and unexplored
Islands and cities I have looked
Here I saw
Something I couldn't over look

I am yours now
So now I don't ever have to leave
I've been found out
So now I'll never explore

See what I've done
That bridge is on fire
Going back to where I've been
I'm froze by desire
No need to leave

Where would I be
IF this were to go under
It's a risk I'd take
I'm froze by desire
As if a choice I'd make

I am yours now
So now I don't ever have to leave
I've been found out
So now I'll never explore

Strength to Make it Through the Day.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown

I read this poem so many times when I was much younger. It always just sounded so... I dunno.. adult? But now, when facing things I haven't faced before, and when being more afraid than I've been in years just to be.. It helps to remind me that when it feels like there's no fight left in you.. .that you mustn't quit, that right at that point, you have to fight your hardest right back out of it.

I am feeling buried by the burdens in my life right now, and that I am a burden to those I care most about. That I'm being oppositional, a shut in, defensive, touchy, needy, weak... I know that I can be these things in moderation with most of the people in my life, however right now.. reaching out is the hardest thing to do.. because my head already tells me to shut up, to snap out of it, to stop whining, focus on what you can do RIGHT NOW, TODAY, instead of feeling sorry for myself, instead of feeling defeated, instead of feeling guilty for burdening those I love.

It's such a shame spiral. I am so used to being strong. I really don't want to be strong right now. I want to be allowed to be weak and vulnerable without fear of repercussions. I dont want to drag anyone into this, but everyone who cares about me, is already involved in some way or another.. because such is life, and the bonds of love and friendship. I am ashamed because I am weak, I am ashamed because I am poor, I am ashamed because I am needy. Which makes everything I was already feeling, feel worse to the 100th degree.

I know I am strong. I know I can get through this. I know these are life's lessons, trials, tribulations, etc.. yadda yadda self help, positive affirmations, etc.

.. but I really just want to fall to my knees and weep. Weep over everything, the last stressful 10 years of my life, to just.. feel the pain and the sorrows wash over me, to let them out and lay them to rest... I just don't know how.

Maybe the storm rolling in will bring some clarity.. if not, it'll take my mind off "oh poor me" for a bit.