The eve of my discontent.

What do you do when you hate everything? Right now, I currently hate my job. Hate my home. Hate that I have no career. Hate that I have no drive. Hate that I have no money. Hate that I can't stop hating. Omg I don't even want to post this because its so... emo! I love my daughter! I love my partner! I love walks in the fresh spring air. I love that I HAVE a home. I love that I have a car. I love we live where there is food. I love that I have a job. (that pays pretty well) I need help deciding where to go next in life though. Deciding on a career Deciding on what steps to take. Usually I'm that smug chicky with all the answers - for everyone else...

Torn.

I am feeling dissatisfied with life lately. I don't do enough...I dont clean enough, or cook enough. I don't commit to doing enough things. No follow through..and It's starting to drive me nuts. It's almost too late to garden for this year and have anything successful come from it...but It's aching in me to get out.

I am dissatisfied with my job. Immensely. I know that i have the option to quit, but I just can't bring myself to do something that will leave me that insecure financially. I want to write. Or to help people... To reach out and do something I love....

But..

I don't know what I love.

And that, makes me sad.

2012...

It's been an interesting start to the year so far. I've challenged myself in many different ways. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and I'm greatly enjoying the fruits of my labours thus far.

I've decided to yet again spend a lot of time at the gym focusing on my physical wellness. I've spent average of 1.5 hours 4+ times a week at the gym. I've been calorie counting, and making informed and very conscious eating decisions, which has resulted in a really good feeling over all.

What an awesome kick off to whats supposed to be "my best year yet" as far as all my horoscopes are concerned...hehe.

A year in Music Videos.

This year, 2011, has proven to be an interesting one to say the least... I have found something I didn't know I was missing at the beginning of the year, and held true to it for the last 11 months. There have been some bumps and scrapes along the way, but nothing has been more fulfilling than the year I have spent with you.

I have compiled, in some, but not super time specific order, the 12 songs of my 2011 year, to do with us, and to do with what we've been through, and done together.

This is my little gift to you, to us...

Happy New Year my love, we can only improve upon what we made 2011, and that, was nothing short of amazing...

Happy Yule

It's been a long time since I've written again. The up's and down's of life, have taken me quite by surprise, and I have failed to update. The shortest day of the year is upon us right now, which brings around a birth of new light and a new year, filled with new hopes, and new dreams.

This year has been particularly hard for myself, and some of the people in my life. I have had numberous financial setbacks, career setbacks, child rearing setbacks, personal setbacks, as well as financial gains, career gains, child rearing gains, and personal gains. All is in balance again.

I have been fortunate to share the better portion this year with someone who is truly amazing. I am so thankful for the presence he has in our life, and he's shown me that anything is possible, with his full love, and support.

My 2012 will start out with an exciting adventure - After 9 years, I am going back to school. I have been accepted into a full time program, with helping people as my bottom line. It is also the time of year where people start considering their resolutions for the year ahead of them. I have contemplated quite a few of them over the last year.

This years resolutions include, but are not limited to:

-Donation of time to a worthwhile charity or organization. I would like to contribue 12 hours a month within my own community. (my minds on Habitat for Humanity and boys & girls club)

-Donation of money to a worthwhile charity or organization. I would like to contribue 25 dollars a month to a worthwhile charity or oganization, that is reputible, and one where the money goes where it should.

-The gradual and hopefully complete removal of wheat products from mine and Alex's life.

-The continuation of my physical improvement at the gym.

-The addition of regular yoga classes, however, I may wait until Yoga in the Park returns.

-Furthered committment to the shaping of my Daughter. including regular lessons/extra cirricular activities.

-Furthered committment to my own, and my daughters spiritual growth.

-Reduction in electronic useage. (not including work related useage)

-Working on being less of a homebody.

-Being more spontaneous.
.. and last but not least

Taking a weekend get-away without anything electronic with my love.


So on that note, can anyone recommend a worthwhile charity that should get my 25 dollars a month?

Love and Other Drugs.

On Monday I turn 29. My birthday, my last year of my twenties. I am hitting the end of a challenging decade. I have learned so many things. I've gone from being what I thought was me, to evolving into something totally different. I've been a lover, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a liar, a cheater, shameful, ashamed, a partier, lazy, earnest, caring, cared for...and so many other things. I have had about 10 different jobs, found no careers, wanted to go to school for about 20 different things.... I have lived in 6 different cities, in dozens of different homes.

Currently, I am: a daughter, a mother, a lover, a friend, an employee, a sister, a maid, a chauffeur, a hairstylist, a personal assistant....and so much more.

I have learned:
that the best things in life happen when you're poorest (and you learn youre the richest)
that the best things in life can take the most work, but are the most rewarding.
that friends are as important as family.
that you choose happiness, not find it.
that love, it hurts, its scary, its amazing, its so many things wrapped up in one.
that parenting is the single hardest, but most amazing job in the world.
that people will always surprise you. expect nothing but the unexpected.
my life is far from perfect, but its perfectly mine.
that my partner is my best friend, and there's nothing better than making it through the day with someone who compliments your life.
that my daughter, keeps me on my toes...I see all my own good, and bad in her.

and I keep learning every day.

thank you to everyone who has been along for the ride, and welcome to everyone just joining it.

Apres Summer.

The summer has gone, and the fall is very much here now. It's been an interesting year in my life, thats for sure. The seasons have defined so much for me.. 

I'm into my second year here, I have made some friends, some close ones, lost a few acquaintances, gained a partner, lost some life baggage. Its been amazing to say the least. 

Right now, I've worked my way back into going to the gym almost every day. Its a good season to do it. Its chilly, you don't know what else to do.. so you hit the gym. It's the season where you're not sure if you want to be outside as much, what the weather is going to do when you do... So I have rekindled my love affair with cardio and weight training. The goal is to get as healthy as I can. The intention is to make myself a healthy person, without as many bad-for-me vices, as I had gotten really lazy over the last little bit.  I have always had a problem with slouching too. My mom used to get on me for it when I was younger, like in my teen years.. and now, at almost 29 I am finally doing something about it. The strength training in my core and back muscles is really helping even after just two weeks, to make sure that I'm not suffering from headaches or neck ache at work anymore. That alone is worth it.

The holidays are fast approaching, and although I won't get to be with my family this year again for Christmas, I have a feeling that the little family I have here will make it just as wonderful. It's been a huge year of financial burdens, sacrifices, and other crummy setbacks in the financial security end of things for me, however, I have faith that things are going to turn around, and life with resume its fast pace with comfort. 

Alex is having a wonderful year at school, we're breaking down old habits, and forming new ones together, and as tough of a road child rearing is... I know we're going to be okay. I am lucky to have a partner who is so emotionally supportive of the strife I am enduring with teaching right and wrong for what won't be the last time, and certainly isn't the first time with Alex. He is helpful in his approaches in how to deal with it, and I am so appreciative of what he helps put in. We've come a long way... 

I miss everyone back home <3 Just so you all know!!

Heres to a gorgeous lead up to 2012. Cheers friends!