Curiosity.

Sometimes I want to understand the human mind more than I do. I was thinking last night about how many people live life with fears. Fears of being themselves and not being accepted. Fears of doing the "wrong" things. Fears that they'll lose what they have. General fears. Pointed fears. Small fears. Tall Fears. 


I was asked last night, how I became the way I am. How I pushed fears away, how I stopped having regrets, how I learned to love, without expectation. 


I really don't know how I became the way that I am, which is where the human mind curiosity gets me going. Part of me got sick of having expectations of people and being let down. Realizing that only I could control my happiness, that I was the only able to change my future, to have control over my successes and failures. 


I used to be afraid of everything. Especially when I became a mother, that made a lot of it worse. I was afraid that I wasn't going to be good enough as a mother. That an earthquake would happen when I was at work one day, and we'd be separated. That I wasn't going to be able to put her in a good school, or give her everything she wanted/needed. Was I ever going to have a good job? Provide myself enough income to shop for clothes once every few months? Have a nest egg, buy a home, buy a car... so many fears, so many worries.


Then almost as if by magic, I woke up one day realizing that I had zero control over some of those things, and  I only had personal control of others. I split them up, and let go of the stupid ones, the ones I could not control, no matter HOW much I wanted to. I took the other ones, and filed them as goals as opposed to worries. I decided, that only *I* was going to be able to deal with them. 


I read a lot. A lot of "self help" relaxation, life control, type books, weblogs, articles. Steve Pavlina was one of the most influential blogs I read. It's not what he said, as much as it was how he said it. It started with finding a website about adjusting my sleep patterns, to be able to get up at 5am, since I was never able to get up without complaining before 9 am, and I NEEDED to fix that. It just kinda went from there. There are always sidebars to his other articles, and I think I spent almost 4 days just reading through this site while I was working. 


A few years later I came across this article (in fact the website itself is a great read, lots of articles) and I read it through a few times. 


Now, I am one of those people who reads a lot, and I can take or leave the information that's there. I don't read something and go "THATS EXACTLY HOW I HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE" because that would be foolish. I am horrible at committing to things. I can't commit to 6 weeks of the gym every day, I can't commit to 6 weeks of healthy eating, or 6 weeks of getting up at 5am, or anything like that. In fact if there was a blog that could teach me commitment, I'd read up on that!


..back to my point. Reading has encouraged a lot of personal freedom for me. I always hated how I felt about myself. I hated how I felt about life, about my "short comings" what I "wasn't given" as a child.. blah blah blah. I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt that way. I've noticed since I have made a conscious decision to change the way that I view my life and my world and the things around me, the more I notice how many people are in pain. How many people are unhappy with themselves, their lives, their pasts. It makes me hurt for them. 


If I could do anything before I die, it would help people realize their own potential, that they are wonderful, that they are unique and special, that nothing in their pasts their present or their future should ever make them feel less than amazing. Less than what they are, because we are ALL capable of being amazing! We are ALL amazing. 


I must end this ramble... :)


Take your life by the kahonas. Know that you are the only one that is capable of making the changes necessary for your own happiness!


And remember, I believe in you, and at any step of your road, you can lean on me, for love, patience and understanding. To help with the hiccups, the bumps and the joys. I'm here for you!