I miss you all.

I haven't been writing as much as of late, things got pretty hectic, and disorganized, but everything is back on track now it seems. After getting a job in a kitchen, and loving what I do, I was let go for quite a strange and illogical reason, which in the end worked out, because I have now found a job that I am passionately in love with, and is going to build some bridges for my future!
I am now a receptionist at a naturopathy clinic. The doctor and I get along famously. It started as a temporary position, but like everything in my life being on an upward swing, I have now secured it as a permanent position.

I have enrolled in yoga teacher training, and I have been busy studying like crazy!!! The theory program, I have about 7 months to work on now, and the hands on training is in July 2013. I start my anatomy and physiology portion in February and sometime between now and then, I have to take a one day first aid program as well.

I have paid off my car finally too, which has left me financially free. Free from the constraints of possessions. Never again will I purchase such an extravagant month to month purchase.

This is just the shorthand of what has gone on, and I must run to my yoga class for this evening, but I wanted to update those of you who either enjoy, or miss what I have to say!!

Namaste!

What do I do?

I have things... that don't belong to me, that are of sentimental value.. that I really want to get back to their owner, and yet, I am not allowed to have contact with him. I don't want to keep it. I want to give it back.. desperately. Just know, I will hold onto it safe until I can find a way to return it.

Goodbye Facebook.

I have chosen to deactivate facebook. We'll see if I will be back.

New Blog...

So.. because of formatting frustrations with blogger... I have moved on over to wordpress... http://stuffette.wordpress.com/ Please come visit me there.

I hope you join me!

sigh

“Dear Human: You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty.” — Courtney A. Walsh

Happiness x posted.

Lately there has been so much to be grateful for. My health after the car accident has improved vastly. My daughter has come home from a 10 day vacation with my parents 1500km from home, and we've been wonderful since she got home. I'm working at a job I love, where I've received amazing feedback from the owners...much improved from my toxic job. I feel an overall sense of happiness and contentment these days. I'm not sure if it's better living through chemicals the paxil, the change in career, my endless joy with my daughter, the yoga I am partaking in regularly, the daily meditation, or ALL of the above...but I am gracious just the same.

I posted a status on facebook today...

When you ponder your day, thank those people who enriched your life today. Thank those people you love today. Thank those people who love you today...and thank those people who gave you challenges that you overcame today. Mindful thanks help you grow.

It's true. Being thankful consciously helps bring greater joy to your life, and enriches those around you in return. <3

Pain.

I am a sad, depressed little mess right now.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't smile.

I wish I could find a way to make all the pain go away. The inside and outside pain. I wish I could talk about it with someone.

Hope this means something to someone.

Finding me.

It's no secret for those who take the time to read what I write, that I've cycled over the last while and struggled to find my footing since I moved away from Vancouver.

Since I've been in Alberta, I've had to find my OWN way to live, without the umbrella that is my family, which of course, in 29 years, has never happened.

This last two years, I've had many new experiences, not all of which have been positive, but I've learned from all of them. I've been broke, hungry, in pain, alone, loved, cherished, I have loved, I've watched my daughter blossom, I've lost 80 lbs, I've developed stronger relationships with my family, and come to rely on them a lot less when things aren't going as planned, I've stopped taking things for granted, and so many other things.

One of the things that I've done a lot of in the last two years, is start reading more blogs. To learn, to grow, to share meaningfully in others lives, and to make new connections. I have lost myself in worlds of minimalism, and yoga, Buddhism, and parenting. I've laughed, and cried, been appalled, ashamed, joyous. I have found some of my strength through other people's words, and learned that life isn't a bed of roses for everyone, all the time.

I just want to say thank you. To those who have shared my journey. Who have read my blog, who have offered advice, stories, who have engaged with me. Who have offered up kind words in trying times, and let me into a part of their world. You're words, thoughts, opinions - they're appreciated, and cherished. Even if we've never met, we've never laughed or cried together, never had coffee...or anything else... You're valuable. :)

Again, thank you for inspiring me.

It gets harder and harder to look on the bright side. I'm seriously not doing well since my accident. I am tired of complaining, even though, I hurt 100 times more than I ever express in my complaints, because really - what can the people around me really do? I'm tired of laying around, tired of watching movies, tired of feeling so down, tired of feeling sorry for myself, tired of putting people around me through it too.
I spent almost an hour on the phone with my mom this morning, just bawling. I'm so tired. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this uphill battle.

School was supposed to happen this year, and didn't. My job goes to shit, and then this car accident happens. I know I'm probably going to get let go when I am better, and then I'll be in no better a situation than I am now.
My relationships are all suffering - I am struggling to maintain any sort of respectful relationship with my daughter, and now its going to get worse because I can't BE there. Pain, im short tempered, less pain, im dozing thanks to the meds. Now, im in this place of need, and I hate that I am dumping this much shit on my partner again.

*sigh* its gotta get better right?

A week ago today.

A week ago today, I was driving to work, as I do every morning. It was a typical monday with a typical monday facebook post "what will monday hold for me?" And not 10 mins after I ask the universes, a truck hits me at a red light. From the side. He was gunning to go left, I was going straight through, and he decided last minute to turn right... into me.

So for the last week, I have been in pain, and in bed. I have lateral whiplash, and some residual PTSD from it. Having large trucks come into my perepherial vision while I drive has caused some rather large panic attacks. So right now, I am taking the time to say oh poor me. I start Physio on Wednesday. Hopefully that will be the start to wellness for me. The headaches are excruciating. The meds that make me feel better, only keep me from spending real time with those I love, because they make me tired. Going without, makes every muscle in my thighs up to my neck hurt. I will overcome this. I will get back into my yoga practice. That's what I miss the most. The freedom to bend and move the way I was able to before. It will come again, with stronger focus than before I hope.

Possible new chapter!

So my openess to accepting the universes gifts has given me the interview I was hoping for! Tomorrow at noon!

I took part in a facebook reading today, and this is what I was told.

Hi Lauren,
Thank you for sharing the page!
Your Reading ~ Profits and rewards are on their way (yay!)...you have taken action to create this..think of planting seeds and then being able to enjoy the fruit....At the moment, the key is to release the frequencies of sadness, sorrow and tears....don't think about anything that aligns you with these frequencies...don't hold these type of thoughts in your consciousness.....if you are experiencing any type of stress, strain or anxiety, trust that this is just something that you are passing through, this is not a permanent part of your life, this is just energy moving in order for you to get to the profits and rewards that you set in motion.
Continued blessings!
Shelli

and then RIGHT afterwards, I got the phone call. KEep sending out those positive thoughts! They're working!!!

Happy :)

So, after months of struggling, and being malcontent, I do believe that I have an opportunity to improve my life, tenfold. I have a job opportunity coming, hopefully, and I am so excited. I am trying not to jinx myself, and to keep my positive attitude geared toward this. Please keep your thoughts and prayers open for me :) I am SO excited.

The Long-Term Funk

This last little stretch down the path of life, has left me feeling sullen. Really, I shouldn't have much to complain about. Yes, financially I've been struggling, but I am rich in love. Yes, I dislike my job, but I HAVE a good job. Sure I dislike the suite I am currently renting, but it's subsidized, giving Alexandria and I the perfect opportunity to be able to sustain a happy and healthy life. Yes I miss my family that is over 1500 KM away, whom I haven't seen except the few occurrences on Skype in the last year, BUT I have an irreplaceable family here - one who I chose, and who chose me, who leaves me feeling fulfilled and happy.

But what happens when you hit a funk, and you just can't drag yourself out of it? It started in March. I discovered that one of the ladies I worked with was - How do you say it nicely - mean (to me). I fixated, and I let it drag me down. I talked of nothing outside of 8-4:30 other than trying to figure out how to cope. This led me down a really crappy road. I internalized everything, trying to find my way. Trying to figure out how to remain employed (even whilst knowing that a toxic work environment should be avoided) how to stop my anxiety creeping up and taking over, how to maintain.. well... me. Combine with that, being living just on the poverty line, and having some pretty big plans to go home to see my family have to be cancelled, I've turned into someone less than peachy.

Without even realizing it, I started taking it out on those I love. My partner took the brunt of it. Has been taking the brunt of it. My self reflection, turned into self diagnosis. Picking apart the pieces of my unhappiness, which I know are my OWN fights, turned into me picking apart things he was doing that was causing my unhappiness. I pushed him away, I pulled him close, I pushed my needs aside, I took everything and anything I could that was given. I have been purely hell on wheels.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was hurt over the stupidest things... again. (It's come up more than a few times recently) I couldn't sleep. try as I might, I tossed, and turned, and thought, and contemplated. WHY am I so miserable? WHY does this keep happening? WHY after two years of loving the same man, can I just not maintain a level of non conflict and peace, when there really isn't anything to be conflicted or chaotic about?

It hit me at some point today - I don't know how to cope. Period. My life, has been a constant game of running away from the things that upset/scare/challenge/face me head on. I haven't meant to become someone who flees, nor has it always been BAD, but I've seen in the last 8 years, how I have changed from being on the run all the time (figuratively and physically sometimes) to someone who has tried to remain. The problem is still there, I don't know how to cope. I am pushing the people I love away. I am internalizing until I can't internalize anymore, and then I am outwardly projecting my frustration/hurt/anger/jealousy(which is a new phenomenon)/insecurities/self worth, out into and onto the world. It's a cycle. It's a cycle that needs to stop, before I push the ones I love, out of my life and I'm left with nothing.

My partner has seen both the best, and the worst of me in the two years we've known one another. He has seen me stoop to my lowest levels of "insanity" and he's seen me at my best - and he loves me regardless. I am SO very lucky to have that, but I can't help but wonder.. how long will he put up with what feels to me like a fruitless situation. Scared to stay, scared to go. Not wanting to give up after how far we've come, but fearing that the worst will take me over again.

I have pondered the idea of going for counselling, therapy maybe. I am wholly against the idea of taking pills. My doctor once told me years ago, when I worried about the crazy taking me over, that I have "circumstantial depression" which usually isn't well treated by taking pills. In fact, 99% of the world has it! I do believe it's called life, and some cope better than others. I want to do what it takes to ensure that I flourish, not flounder, and in turn, my relationships, interpersonal skills, and life abilities will thank me for it.

I'm just scared that I am looking for reasons for something to be wrong with me, what if it really just is a funk? Why are mine so much worse seeming than everyone else? I read my blog, and I miss the place of clarity I was in just over 18 months ago - but the sad truth is that it was a great front, for one of the hardest times in my life. I will take on today. I will take on today, and remember that these things pass. That I can't control my world around me, the only thing I can do is observe, and conform according to what is in front of me. The only thing I can control, is what's going on inside me. It's too much to pick it apart. It's enough to view what is going on, see if there is a solution that can be obtained right now - or if it's even worth trying to exude any control over to begin with. Sometimes it's best to just breathe.

*exhale*

finding my way.

This last couple of weeks has been somewhat of a learning experience for me. Trying to minimalize what I have in my life, while creating gardens, parenting children, planning visits to farmers markets, eating frugally, all while being able to decline things like sodas, and ice creams.


I have been practicing yoga both in the morning and in the evening, and have been getting up a lot earlier than I normally do. Which is also quite odd for me. I think its a bit of a shift in myself, and its one i'm quite enjoying. I am taking the time to breathe which I have been forgetting to do for some time... and I even realized, that It's been so long since I meditated, I don't even know where my prayer beads are (that's a goal I hope to accomplish this weekend)..


I am finding happiness one stepping stone at a time.

Frustration with what is

I've hit a brutal financial slump. My own fault? Mostly. I'm down to disconnection on my cell phone, which is my life line to the outside world (or so I believe) , and soon I may lose my internet at home too.

I hit a financial snag with the government about two months back, and It's affected my day to day now, and Its going to take until at least July to work out.

Maybe this is what is supposed to happen. Maybe this is the universes way of telling me to live with less. To appreciate what I have. To find more fiscal responsibility. Maybe It's telling me I'm too reliant on these objects. Maybe It's just my own damn fault for being irresponsible, and these are the life lessons that go with it.maybe now that I'm without it, I can tpp stressing about it until there's a solution, because worrying about it coming was 90% of the issue.

Life existed before smart phones and texting right? Before the internet?

I'm sure it did. I will make the most of this lesson.

99 percent natural cooking

So today I put all my energies to good use today and cooked up a storm. I started by making my own home made mayo. Its so simple!

Next I added some garlic and chili powder to it, and made an aïoli...and deep fried some dill pickles...delicious.
Then i roasted, dried and crushed my pen garlic powder, added some rosemary and glazed some chicken, deer fried some sweet potatoes, and fried some green beans in coconut oil....
And it was so delicious it was stupid. Good day, good day. use

Real change starts from within.

I've made a couple of promises to myself lately. I had to snap myself out of that funk I was in, and I hope I'm on the right path...yoga saved me once before, then I left it behind in the hustle and bustle of life...I've found it again.. and I feel a new energy inside me.

Sustain.
Maintain.
Remain.

The eve of my discontent.

What do you do when you hate everything? Right now, I currently hate my job. Hate my home. Hate that I have no career. Hate that I have no drive. Hate that I have no money. Hate that I can't stop hating. Omg I don't even want to post this because its so... emo! I love my daughter! I love my partner! I love walks in the fresh spring air. I love that I HAVE a home. I love that I have a car. I love we live where there is food. I love that I have a job. (that pays pretty well) I need help deciding where to go next in life though. Deciding on a career Deciding on what steps to take. Usually I'm that smug chicky with all the answers - for everyone else...

Torn.

I am feeling dissatisfied with life lately. I don't do enough...I dont clean enough, or cook enough. I don't commit to doing enough things. No follow through..and It's starting to drive me nuts. It's almost too late to garden for this year and have anything successful come from it...but It's aching in me to get out.

I am dissatisfied with my job. Immensely. I know that i have the option to quit, but I just can't bring myself to do something that will leave me that insecure financially. I want to write. Or to help people... To reach out and do something I love....

But..

I don't know what I love.

And that, makes me sad.

2012...

It's been an interesting start to the year so far. I've challenged myself in many different ways. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and I'm greatly enjoying the fruits of my labours thus far.

I've decided to yet again spend a lot of time at the gym focusing on my physical wellness. I've spent average of 1.5 hours 4+ times a week at the gym. I've been calorie counting, and making informed and very conscious eating decisions, which has resulted in a really good feeling over all.

What an awesome kick off to whats supposed to be "my best year yet" as far as all my horoscopes are concerned...hehe.