Derby Derby Derby....

I noticed a lot what the winters out here can do. It's bleak and cold - the skies are blue but unwarming, and I find that most of the people I know are at a loss of things to do, including me. It doesn't help that things are so cold, and that I don't know the town very well either.

Last night I had a friend suggest roller derby, and oh my god, I had a blast! I can't remember the last time I had that much fun, without it being a bar or a couple friends drinking.

Roller Derby in Red Deer looks like a freakin blast. I think I want to join, I'm on a mission to find me some roller skates that will work for derby, the rest of the gear is pretty easy to come by.

W.W.J.D - What Would Johnson Do? Best Derby name EVER.

Ahh my romance with derby has returned!

~ me

I Have Missed the Sunshine.

Lately I've been feeling, well, different. I don't know how to explain the differences, other than knowing I am learning right from wrong all over again, much like you do when you're a child, just from a much different perspective than I'm sure I would have given it then.

I read through my blog sometimes, and I see the ways I have changed, not just in what I write, but how I write it. I follow other blogs, and I read what they're writing too, and we're all very passionate about our "things" beliefs, items, articles, subjects, life choices, life messes... we're all as real and as passionate as we can be.

I feel lately, rather guilty for the whole mess I caused for someone who didn't deserve it. I hate that I hurt him the way I did, and I hate that I didn't fully realize the things I have until they were put in front of my face the way they have been, not just by him, but by the friends of ours that got pulled into the situation. I expect anger and emotion from a lot of people. I really don't mind it. It hurts, of course it hurts, I'm am full of shame and remorse for the situations at hand, and I am ready and willing to hear the things people have to say.

My ability to face the truth, and receive what people need to say, is front and center. I am not skirting what has happened, and I am not skirting the responses either.

However, I feel that of course because there was a 6 month door put in the way of all of it, that people expect that I am the same person now, that I was then. I don't believe that is true at all. I believe that people as a whole are capable or growing and changing, especially when they know before being told by anyone that something they did, something that happened, may not have been the way it was perceived. I was aware of this, however, I had to take some steps, and make some changes to be able to receive all that I have. It wouldn't have done anyone any good if I was still in the same shitpoor state that I was in then. I am aware that in this situation, that time didn't work in anyones favor. For that, I will once again say sorry.

I am me, I am human, and I make mistakes just like anyone else. I didn't mean for this mistake to have destroyed so many friendships, to have caused so much heartache, nor did I mean for it to make and cause the troubles that it has, especially for him.

My confession - Part Two. - The friends I used and lost.

So, I can't fully do this, without disclosing what happened to the people around me as well.

The months before I even met the man I wronged, I had a few friends who were there for me. They listened to me, they cared about me, and I for them. We had never met face to face, and those friends changed over time, but they were always there. Something I have realized about myself - when I feel overwhelmed by a situation, even if theres no fault to be had from either party, I will go and blame the other person, and explain, tell and fabricate small things in ways that leave me looking clean in spite of everything that they don't know. I have become someone who is content to perpetuate drama. To have "oh poor Lauren" bestowed upon her. "Whatever will you do?" "Why are you putting yourself through this?" Its been that way for years. I guess I like to try to play the Martyr. I like to be revered for my ability to withstand and appear strong given various situations outcomes - blah blah blah.

Lets face the cold hard facts shall we?

I am quite weak. I can be strong in the face of actual situations, I have learned that its fight or flight, and I toil between both, however emotionally, I am quite weak. I play up the situations in my life, to make me feel stronger about my choices.

I will manipulate a situation to try to come out looking like I was clean throughout it. That I am perfect, that I was better than it all. This is not true at all. I have recently learned humility, shame, and guilt - three things i've experienced in such small doses becuase I've chosen to ignore it before, however have been very prevalant in this situation because of this situation, and I don't expect the lessons learned from this situation to go away soon after.

I don't like to be viewed in a negative light. HOWEVER, facing the facts of what I did before, I realized the whole time I was telling myself I was making myself look good, I was actually embarassing myself far further than I had to. infact, if I hadn't taken such measures like I didn, a post like this wouldn't be necessary.

To the people who stood by me throughout this situation. I admire you're ability to stay friends with someone who has created so much needless and senseless drama. To the people who are still friends with me after reading the truth, hearing the truth, and knowing the truth - You people mean the world to me. You're true friends who realize underneath it all, I'm not a terrible person, and for that, I thank you.

To those who were pulled and (Seemingly forced) into believing one side or the other, I apologize for the things and the actions I took to ensure that one side or the other was chosen. For those who chose to do it because they saw the truth through my bullshit? I'm glad you did, I wasn't worth the friendship at the time, and you made the right decisions.

For those who have ever felt a sense of guilt or betrayl for something they did when I lost my marbles, in the process of side picking, etc... please don't. I don't hold you responsible for your actions, the only person I have to blame for losing the friendships I did, is me.

I want to name names so badly so that I can point out specifically who I am talking to and about, but that wouldn't be fair to the people I never even knew were affected by it all (and trust me, I am sure there are a lot of you... its dark when your head is up your ass)

I am not asking for your forgiveness, I am asking you to realize, that I have indeed understood where I went wrong in a lot of ways. Maybe not specifically to our direct situation, but given time, I am committed to individually apologizing to those who will receive it.

I am sorry for the ways I mislead you, the ways I betrayed our friendships, for hurting you, for hurting your friend.

Shamefully,

Me

My Confession.

With the winter slowly melting away, and the spring making a large entrance into life, I have noticed so many things that the winters discontent happened to bring forth into my life.

I have spoken breifly without much detail about a "situation" that happened to "plague" my life in September of last year. Those who are close to me know my details on what happened, some of you have no clue.

In the spirit of my blog, and my (newly found) foundations, I put forth a communication between someone who I felt I had wronged, to try to set things right, and with that came a lot more than what I had anticipated. It's hard without giving too much detail, not to be so vague, because I don't know what information the other party wants revealed in the situation. In the values that go behind setting records straight, I will put forth as much as I can here.

Lets start January/Feb of 2010.

I was living in BC, you had become a part of my life that I was interested in continuing further. We talked for hours, at work, through msn, through text. You made me laugh, and laugh in a way that I hadn't been able to laugh in years. You renewed that feeling of "life would be okay" just through our conversations, however I was hesitant to come forth with a lot of the information about my life that was necessary to have an open and honest relationship with you. Its a part of me that I have struggled with for a very long time. Lying by omission. I often think because things aren't important to me, that theres no need to pass it along. I've started to realize, that if its something I can say "oh its not that important" to, that really, I should be disclosing it.

Carry forward a couple of months to June, I come visit for a second time, and really put into motion that I no longer want to be in BC, but want to see what life could be like out here in Alberta. I don't know if YOU were the main catalyst for that, or if it was my need to run that started it, but either way.. from June onward it was my goal to be here.

I put out of my mind anything and everything else except being out here and being with you. I think that worked against us, because I had a preconceived opinion on how things "should" go, and yet so many hesitations. I have realized I don't know how to go into something without it being extreme from the get go.

When I got here, there was a situation that arose with some "so called friends" I had, that despite being terrible to me the months leading up to my move out there, moved my things for me, but got belligerant once they had my stuff in the driveway. You stepped up. You came forward and protected me and my family. You put yourself out there, and really showed me how amazing you could be. I am so terrified of conflict, especially when my reasoning is simply "because I want to" or "because I don't want to". This is part of my issue in dealing with conflict that took us to where we were.

Once I moved out here, things spiralled out of control for me - it wasn't you at all. I had conflict in my life with my ex partner and the lack of resolution for how things went there (or even my insecurity), missing my family, being depressed, being a shut in, becoming emotionally volatile. I can't imagine what it must have been like watching someone you love just completely break down and not be able to do anything about it.

Once we were living together, I don't know.. the idea of what I wanted changed? I was unhappy? Im pretty sure it was with myself more than it ever was with you, and then of course, when I started talking with my ex, I blew everything right out of proportion. I became a totally bipolar person. Again, I can only imagine what it was like trying to talk to me, or be around me.

The night everything happened, I had determined that I wasn't capable of just asking you to leave, that of course in all my dramatic fashion, I would have to make it personal, and make it a fight. I had convinced myself that if I was to lose you, I had to REALLY lose you, force you out.  I drank, I drank excessively. I talked to anyone who would listen and potentially side with me on the concerns I had about us, just to have someone.. ANYONE tell me that leaving you was the 100% right thing to do. I always needed that "assurance" of people who had no clue about anything telling me what to do, as I was too weak to make decisions on my own. This wasn't anything NEW to me, however it was something I chose to be ignorant to.

So I got what I needed. People had confirmed with me that my speculations about you could potentially be true. I didn't ever get into how *I* treated you, only the ways you responded to it, and without my side in things yours always looked really bad. Gotta paint myself in the bright light right?

When you got home that night, I went out of my way to pick the biggest fight I could with you, in simple hopes of you just leaving. I didn't think that *I* would spiral out of control as badly as I did, but I also couldn't figure out with me being that terrible, why you would want to just stay, and so I became further determined to get you out. By any means necessary. I pushed you, I goaded you, I harassed you, and eventually I won. You were leaving. I locked you out with no keys, no wallet, no phone, no smokes.. and when in your frustration of the beating I had laid out caused you to have your ONE lash out in frustration, I happened to take that an run with it. Oh god, the door came crashing in at me, he was trying to attack me. He did it all with my child in the home. Oh my god he's such a terrible person. I am an angel, I did nothing wrong.... we both know thats not the case. I felt justified for whatever reason I told myself in everything I did.

When the police got involved, I thought I was doing what I needed to do to protect myself, however, and although its taken me time to realize it, I was never a victim. My actions, my responses to our actions, and how I laid things out in the weeks following, made you more of a victim of the shitpile I caused more than anything you did to me. When we were finally able to sit down and discuss things, thats when the reality of what my actions have caused came truly clear to me. I knew what had gone on, your sister and I are close friends, however, hearing it from you.. I don't know why it made so much of a difference, but I needed to hear how I wronged you, from you.

So, my admissions in the situations from 6 months ago, have led me to a place, where I am determined to make things right. I am determined to let everyone who was affected by my part in this situation know the truth, and how I used the sitations for my own gain, which resulted in someone elses immediate losses, and continued losses. I manipulated specific situations to keep someone out of my life, and I came to realize how wrong I was in that.

Sometimes it takes going backwards to move forwards.

I am taking steps to have this situation removed from the other parties life. This admission of my guilt is not the only action I have taken to making this situation right, however it's a crucial part that people know the truth.

Shamefully,

Me.

Ready, Set, Spring.

Well friends.. Its been a while since I've written a thing!

Spring has hit my town kinda full force lately! Its been such a beautiful couple of weeks, but I had been too under the weather to enjoy them. :(

Today starts the beginning of hopefully a beautiful relationship all over again with my love for exercise, my love for yoga, and my love for meditation. This is going to be the week I commit to cleansing. My home, myself and my soul yet again. I love the spring mostly for the excuse to do it  Or to use it as the excuse to do it, or to do it as an excuse?

Yeah, I twisted myself up with that one too.

So the spring is a time of renewal for me. It could be the fact that its been ingrained in me from a young age, spring cleaning, spring babies, all that fun stuff that life seems to throw out there, but I always take full advantage of the rebirth of the earth after long cold winters have slowly left.

So I wish you all a happy spring, and may you accomplish all your cleaning and goalsetting desires for the rest of the warm season!!!