How to do this without sounding like I'm complaining, or seeking sympathy, or feeling sorry for myself...
I am frustrated.
Have you ever had someone violate your personal space? Like, you did something for them Maybe you were having a bad day, and someone looked at you funny and said "God YOU'RE in a bad mood" and maybe you just wanted to punch them in the face. Or you slaved all day on something delicious and your party goes "Uhm, I don't really like this!". *FWAP* I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, AMUSE ME DAMNIT.
I feel like covering my ears and closing my eyes and stomping my feet. I feel like screaming and cursing and flailing. I feel like crying into someones shoulder, and having them hold me tighter as my sobs increase. Just to get it out.
And then of course, there's that part of me who tells these notions to shut up, to just move on, get over it, deal with it. You'll be fine, you gotta suck it up, you gotta just deal, just get through today, tomorrow will be the same shit but maybe you'll see it with new eyes. What if you appear weak, what if someone sees you crumble.
1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9... breathe.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Simple
I don't say the right thing
but I'm speaking from the heart.
Im not going to be perfect,
but I'll be true to myself.
I may not have the answers,
but I'll help find them.
I won't always be strong
but I'll find strength in you.
I will be your sweetness
when your day has been bitter.
I can lift you up,
when you need a friend.
I am solid,
and I'll have your back.
but I'm speaking from the heart.
Im not going to be perfect,
but I'll be true to myself.
I may not have the answers,
but I'll help find them.
I won't always be strong
but I'll find strength in you.
I will be your sweetness
when your day has been bitter.
I can lift you up,
when you need a friend.
I am solid,
and I'll have your back.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Memories
Quiet kisses in the morning sunlight
tangled feet in the sheets
wind through my hair
windows down, music up
ice cream in bed
counting down the days
the hours
the minutes
for moments like those.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what
you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will
risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure
of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to
know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have
been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can
dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be
realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I
want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if
you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every
day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and
still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the
full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you
have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and
despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I
want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and
not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I
want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls
away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly
like the company you keep in the empty moments."
you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will
risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure
of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to
know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have
been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can
dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be
realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I
want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if
you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every
day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and
still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the
full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you
have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and
despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I
want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and
not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I
want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls
away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly
like the company you keep in the empty moments."
Hey
my feet leave the ground,
I struggle to keep them there.
Fighting against hope and want.
In the air, I'm not grounded,
I'm not invisible, I can't hide.
..but the air, feels so free
free, where I can just be.
But you can see me there
for who I am, the marks I wear
Come, join me in the air,
together, we can be safe
just put your hand in mine.
I struggle to keep them there.
Fighting against hope and want.
In the air, I'm not grounded,
I'm not invisible, I can't hide.
..but the air, feels so free
free, where I can just be.
But you can see me there
for who I am, the marks I wear
Come, join me in the air,
together, we can be safe
just put your hand in mine.
As a Mother
It starts with a test; remains one for years to come. One that is positive. You are positively pregnant. Experiencing joy, knowing that new life is forming in you.. and then it hits you. For the next lifetime, you are responsible for a life. You touch your flat belly, and wonder. Wonder what they'll look like, will it be a boy or a girl, will they be healthy, happy, what talents they'll possess. You experience sickness, and body changes. You research and discover things about yourself, about your bodies changing needs. You feel the life within you start to grow. Your stomach bears resemblance to a beach ball in the middle of a summers beach day. You wake up in the middle of the night, or stop what you're doing in the middle of the day... your stomach begins to ache, you know you get to meet your child. You go through what seems like endless hours of pain, you push, and you writhe, and you deliver a beautiful baby.
You nurture and love this tiny human, something so powerful, and yet so needy at the same time. You watch this tiny human grow, learning, changing, evolving. You smile at first words, and first steps. You feel immense amounts of overwhelming joy at times, and experience overwhelming fears, and frustrations too. You hear "No" for the first time, and hang a first drawn picture on the fridge. You handle three wheels, then training wheels, then two wheels. You have an exuberant amount of bandaids, and have gone through what seems like thousands, kissing every boo-boo, and trying not to cry because your child is in pain. You watch as they leave you for the first time to start school, and hold back your tears at the independence your child is gaining.
You share in behaviour issues, and growing pains. Tooth losses, and tooth fairies. Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny. You may often feel like you're not doing enough, or wonder if you're doing the right things, exposing your child correctly to the world. If you show them you love them enough, or too much. If you're building their independence correctly, or smothering them. You get advise from family, and from unsavory choices - wondering if the advice you are being given is correct.
And then... you realize... your child is amazing. You HAVE done a fantastic job. Your child is happy, and healthy, and normal. That you are the best Mommy you can be. That your child loves you unconditionally.
Innocent joy
I heard her laugh
oh my... I heard her laugh.
she wiggled her toes!
oh my heart leaps
it jumps, and reels, and soars!
I don't want to come down from here.
the air is thin, and i'm light headed!
maybe its just her voice
i want her to catch me if i fall.
want to play tag?
you're it!
chase me!
you caught me!
don't ever let go now
not now that i've found you.
gumdrop kisses
placed on your stomach
just to watch you smile.
oh my... I heard her laugh.
she wiggled her toes!
oh my heart leaps
it jumps, and reels, and soars!
I don't want to come down from here.
the air is thin, and i'm light headed!
maybe its just her voice
i want her to catch me if i fall.
want to play tag?
you're it!
chase me!
you caught me!
don't ever let go now
not now that i've found you.
gumdrop kisses
placed on your stomach
just to watch you smile.
weightless
Me
I'm falling from the sky
Twirling and spinning down towards the earth
I'm weightless
I look down and see the land below
Rolling hills of the greenest pastures
Royal blue hues of the ocean
the wind through my hair sends chills through me
I'm decending through the crystal clear sky
not a cloud in sight
I can't believe the worlds beauty
I drink it in, thirsty for its life.
Falling, closer now.
I can see my landing spot
It's calling my name
I land...
You.
I'm falling from the sky
Twirling and spinning down towards the earth
I'm weightless
I look down and see the land below
Rolling hills of the greenest pastures
Royal blue hues of the ocean
the wind through my hair sends chills through me
I'm decending through the crystal clear sky
not a cloud in sight
I can't believe the worlds beauty
I drink it in, thirsty for its life.
Falling, closer now.
I can see my landing spot
It's calling my name
I land...
You.
Death.
It is fragile...
Life.
I have lost people
We all lose people
They all go to better places.
Places filled with nirvana
We miss their earthly bodies,
and remember their souls.
We hold our thoughts clear
our memories close
we shed a tear
for a friend, family, lover's lost.
why cry?
When they are in sublime?
Why hurt?
They wouldn't want us to.
Just remember
hold on
never forget.
Life.
I have lost people
We all lose people
They all go to better places.
Places filled with nirvana
We miss their earthly bodies,
and remember their souls.
We hold our thoughts clear
our memories close
we shed a tear
for a friend, family, lover's lost.
why cry?
When they are in sublime?
Why hurt?
They wouldn't want us to.
Just remember
hold on
never forget.
Past Reflections.
I close my eyes.
She dances through my mind
..Her hair twirling in the breeze
Her smell intoxicating my senses
I want to reach out and touch her
Shes just out of my reach
She has her back to me
She turns and smiles over her shoulder
Her white teeth like pearls
I follow after her
Playing her coy game of hide and seek in the trees
suddenly she is gone.
Confusion covers my face
Her scent pierces my nostrils
I lean against a tree breathless for just one moment
I close my eyes, and breathe her in.
I feel her lips on mine
I wrap my arms around her neck, and lose myself in her kiss
We melt into one another
Our tongues dancing silently together
Goosebumps cover my body
..the breeze, the scent, the embrace.
I open my eyes again
She isn't there
I taste her on my lips
She is divine, perfection encompassed in pale skin.
She has shown me beauty.
She dances through my mind
..Her hair twirling in the breeze
Her smell intoxicating my senses
I want to reach out and touch her
Shes just out of my reach
She has her back to me
She turns and smiles over her shoulder
Her white teeth like pearls
I follow after her
Playing her coy game of hide and seek in the trees
suddenly she is gone.
Confusion covers my face
Her scent pierces my nostrils
I lean against a tree breathless for just one moment
I close my eyes, and breathe her in.
I feel her lips on mine
I wrap my arms around her neck, and lose myself in her kiss
We melt into one another
Our tongues dancing silently together
Goosebumps cover my body
..the breeze, the scent, the embrace.
I open my eyes again
She isn't there
I taste her on my lips
She is divine, perfection encompassed in pale skin.
She has shown me beauty.
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