Monday, May 28, 2012

Possible new chapter!


So my openess to accepting the universes gifts has given me the interview I was hoping for! Tomorrow at noon!

I took part in a facebook reading today, and this is what I was told.

Hi Lauren,
Thank you for sharing the page!
Your Reading ~ Profits and rewards are on their way (yay!)...you have taken action to create this..think of planting seeds and then being able to enjoy the fruit....At the moment, the key is to release the frequencies of sadness, sorrow and tears....don't think about anything that aligns you with these frequencies...don't hold these type of thoughts in your consciousness.....if you are experiencing any type of stress, strain or anxiety, trust that this is just something that you are passing through, this is not a permanent part of your life, this is just energy moving in order for you to get to the profits and rewards that you set in motion.
Continued blessings!
Shelli

and then RIGHT afterwards, I got the phone call. KEep sending out those positive thoughts! They're working!!!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Happy :)


So, after months of struggling, and being malcontent, I do believe that I have an opportunity to improve my life, tenfold. I have a job opportunity coming, hopefully, and I am so excited. I am trying not to jinx myself, and to keep my positive attitude geared toward this. Please keep your thoughts and prayers open for me :) I am SO excited.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Long-Term Funk


This last little stretch down the path of life, has left me feeling sullen. Really, I shouldn't have much to complain about. Yes, financially I've been struggling, but I am rich in love. Yes, I dislike my job, but I HAVE a good job. Sure I dislike the suite I am currently renting, but it's subsidized, giving Alexandria and I the perfect opportunity to be able to sustain a happy and healthy life. Yes I miss my family that is over 1500 KM away, whom I haven't seen except the few occurrences on Skype in the last year, BUT I have an irreplaceable family here - one who I chose, and who chose me, who leaves me feeling fulfilled and happy.

But what happens when you hit a funk, and you just can't drag yourself out of it? It started in March. I discovered that one of the ladies I worked with was - How do you say it nicely - mean (to me). I fixated, and I let it drag me down. I talked of nothing outside of 8-4:30 other than trying to figure out how to cope. This led me down a really crappy road. I internalized everything, trying to find my way. Trying to figure out how to remain employed (even whilst knowing that a toxic work environment should be avoided) how to stop my anxiety creeping up and taking over, how to maintain.. well... me. Combine with that, being living just on the poverty line, and having some pretty big plans to go home to see my family have to be cancelled, I've turned into someone less than peachy.

Without even realizing it, I started taking it out on those I love. My partner took the brunt of it. Has been taking the brunt of it. My self reflection, turned into self diagnosis. Picking apart the pieces of my unhappiness, which I know are my OWN fights, turned into me picking apart things he was doing that was causing my unhappiness. I pushed him away, I pulled him close, I pushed my needs aside, I took everything and anything I could that was given. I have been purely hell on wheels.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was hurt over the stupidest things... again. (It's come up more than a few times recently) I couldn't sleep. try as I might, I tossed, and turned, and thought, and contemplated. WHY am I so miserable? WHY does this keep happening? WHY after two years of loving the same man, can I just not maintain a level of non conflict and peace, when there really isn't anything to be conflicted or chaotic about?

It hit me at some point today - I don't know how to cope. Period. My life, has been a constant game of running away from the things that upset/scare/challenge/face me head on. I haven't meant to become someone who flees, nor has it always been BAD, but I've seen in the last 8 years, how I have changed from being on the run all the time (figuratively and physically sometimes) to someone who has tried to remain. The problem is still there, I don't know how to cope. I am pushing the people I love away. I am internalizing until I can't internalize anymore, and then I am outwardly projecting my frustration/hurt/anger/jealousy(which is a new phenomenon)/insecurities/self worth, out into and onto the world. It's a cycle. It's a cycle that needs to stop, before I push the ones I love, out of my life and I'm left with nothing.

My partner has seen both the best, and the worst of me in the two years we've known one another. He has seen me stoop to my lowest levels of "insanity" and he's seen me at my best - and he loves me regardless. I am SO very lucky to have that, but I can't help but wonder.. how long will he put up with what feels to me like a fruitless situation. Scared to stay, scared to go. Not wanting to give up after how far we've come, but fearing that the worst will take me over again.

I have pondered the idea of going for counselling, therapy maybe. I am wholly against the idea of taking pills. My doctor once told me years ago, when I worried about the crazy taking me over, that I have "circumstantial depression" which usually isn't well treated by taking pills. In fact, 99% of the world has it! I do believe it's called life, and some cope better than others. I want to do what it takes to ensure that I flourish, not flounder, and in turn, my relationships, interpersonal skills, and life abilities will thank me for it.

I'm just scared that I am looking for reasons for something to be wrong with me, what if it really just is a funk? Why are mine so much worse seeming than everyone else? I read my blog, and I miss the place of clarity I was in just over 18 months ago - but the sad truth is that it was a great front, for one of the hardest times in my life. I will take on today. I will take on today, and remember that these things pass. That I can't control my world around me, the only thing I can do is observe, and conform according to what is in front of me. The only thing I can control, is what's going on inside me. It's too much to pick it apart. It's enough to view what is going on, see if there is a solution that can be obtained right now - or if it's even worth trying to exude any control over to begin with. Sometimes it's best to just breathe.

*exhale*

Saturday, May 12, 2012

finding my way.

This last couple of weeks has been somewhat of a learning experience for me. Trying to minimalize what I have in my life, while creating gardens, parenting children, planning visits to farmers markets, eating frugally, all while being able to decline things like sodas, and ice creams.


I have been practicing yoga both in the morning and in the evening, and have been getting up a lot earlier than I normally do. Which is also quite odd for me. I think its a bit of a shift in myself, and its one i'm quite enjoying. I am taking the time to breathe which I have been forgetting to do for some time... and I even realized, that It's been so long since I meditated, I don't even know where my prayer beads are (that's a goal I hope to accomplish this weekend)..


I am finding happiness one stepping stone at a time.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Frustration with what is

I've hit a brutal financial slump. My own fault? Mostly. I'm down to disconnection on my cell phone, which is my life line to the outside world (or so I believe) , and soon I may lose my internet at home too.

I hit a financial snag with the government about two months back, and It's affected my day to day now, and Its going to take until at least July to work out.

Maybe this is what is supposed to happen. Maybe this is the universes way of telling me to live with less. To appreciate what I have. To find more fiscal responsibility. Maybe It's telling me I'm too reliant on these objects. Maybe It's just my own damn fault for being irresponsible, and these are the life lessons that go with it.maybe now that I'm without it, I can tpp stressing about it until there's a solution, because worrying about it coming was 90% of the issue.

Life existed before smart phones and texting right? Before the internet?

I'm sure it did. I will make the most of this lesson.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

99 percent natural cooking

So today I put all my energies to good use today and cooked up a storm. I started by making my own home made mayo. Its so simple!

Next I added some garlic and chili powder to it, and made an aïoli...and deep fried some dill pickles...delicious.
Then i roasted, dried and crushed my pen garlic powder, added some rosemary and glazed some chicken, deer fried some sweet potatoes, and fried some green beans in coconut oil....
And it was so delicious it was stupid. Good day, good day. use