Strength to Make it Through the Day.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown

I read this poem so many times when I was much younger. It always just sounded so... I dunno.. adult? But now, when facing things I haven't faced before, and when being more afraid than I've been in years just to be.. It helps to remind me that when it feels like there's no fight left in you.. .that you mustn't quit, that right at that point, you have to fight your hardest right back out of it.

I am feeling buried by the burdens in my life right now, and that I am a burden to those I care most about. That I'm being oppositional, a shut in, defensive, touchy, needy, weak... I know that I can be these things in moderation with most of the people in my life, however right now.. reaching out is the hardest thing to do.. because my head already tells me to shut up, to snap out of it, to stop whining, focus on what you can do RIGHT NOW, TODAY, instead of feeling sorry for myself, instead of feeling defeated, instead of feeling guilty for burdening those I love.

It's such a shame spiral. I am so used to being strong. I really don't want to be strong right now. I want to be allowed to be weak and vulnerable without fear of repercussions. I dont want to drag anyone into this, but everyone who cares about me, is already involved in some way or another.. because such is life, and the bonds of love and friendship. I am ashamed because I am weak, I am ashamed because I am poor, I am ashamed because I am needy. Which makes everything I was already feeling, feel worse to the 100th degree.

I know I am strong. I know I can get through this. I know these are life's lessons, trials, tribulations, etc.. yadda yadda self help, positive affirmations, etc.

.. but I really just want to fall to my knees and weep. Weep over everything, the last stressful 10 years of my life, to just.. feel the pain and the sorrows wash over me, to let them out and lay them to rest... I just don't know how.

Maybe the storm rolling in will bring some clarity.. if not, it'll take my mind off "oh poor me" for a bit.