But what happens when you hit a funk, and you just can't drag yourself out of it? It started in March. I discovered that one of the ladies I worked with was - How do you say it nicely - mean (to me). I fixated, and I let it drag me down. I talked of nothing outside of 8-4:30 other than trying to figure out how to cope. This led me down a really crappy road. I internalized everything, trying to find my way. Trying to figure out how to remain employed (even whilst knowing that a toxic work environment should be avoided) how to stop my anxiety creeping up and taking over, how to maintain.. well... me. Combine with that, being living just on the poverty line, and having some pretty big plans to go home to see my family have to be cancelled, I've turned into someone less than peachy.
Without even realizing it, I started taking it out on those I love. My partner took the brunt of it. Has been taking the brunt of it. My self reflection, turned into self diagnosis. Picking apart the pieces of my unhappiness, which I know are my OWN fights, turned into me picking apart things he was doing that was causing my unhappiness. I pushed him away, I pulled him close, I pushed my needs aside, I took everything and anything I could that was given. I have been purely hell on wheels.
I couldn't sleep last night. I was hurt over the stupidest things... again. (It's come up more than a few times recently) I couldn't sleep. try as I might, I tossed, and turned, and thought, and contemplated. WHY am I so miserable? WHY does this keep happening? WHY after two years of loving the same man, can I just not maintain a level of non conflict and peace, when there really isn't anything to be conflicted or chaotic about?
It hit me at some point today - I don't know how to cope. Period. My life, has been a constant game of running away from the things that upset/scare/challenge/face me head on. I haven't meant to become someone who flees, nor has it always been BAD, but I've seen in the last 8 years, how I have changed from being on the run all the time (figuratively and physically sometimes) to someone who has tried to remain. The problem is still there, I don't know how to cope. I am pushing the people I love away. I am internalizing until I can't internalize anymore, and then I am outwardly projecting my frustration/hurt/anger/jealousy(which is a new phenomenon)/insecurities/self worth, out into and onto the world. It's a cycle. It's a cycle that needs to stop, before I push the ones I love, out of my life and I'm left with nothing.
My partner has seen both the best, and the worst of me in the two years we've known one another. He has seen me stoop to my lowest levels of "insanity" and he's seen me at my best - and he loves me regardless. I am SO very lucky to have that, but I can't help but wonder.. how long will he put up with what feels to me like a fruitless situation. Scared to stay, scared to go. Not wanting to give up after how far we've come, but fearing that the worst will take me over again.
I have pondered the idea of going for counselling, therapy maybe. I am wholly against the idea of taking pills. My doctor once told me years ago, when I worried about the crazy taking me over, that I have "circumstantial depression" which usually isn't well treated by taking pills. In fact, 99% of the world has it! I do believe it's called life, and some cope better than others. I want to do what it takes to ensure that I flourish, not flounder, and in turn, my relationships, interpersonal skills, and life abilities will thank me for it.
I'm just scared that I am looking for reasons for something to be wrong with me, what if it really just is a funk? Why are mine so much worse seeming than everyone else? I read my blog, and I miss the place of clarity I was in just over 18 months ago - but the sad truth is that it was a great front, for one of the hardest times in my life. I will take on today. I will take on today, and remember that these things pass. That I can't control my world around me, the only thing I can do is observe, and conform according to what is in front of me. The only thing I can control, is what's going on inside me. It's too much to pick it apart. It's enough to view what is going on, see if there is a solution that can be obtained right now - or if it's even worth trying to exude any control over to begin with. Sometimes it's best to just breathe.
*exhale*
I wish you lived closer Lauren. Right now is one of those times we’d have a drink in our hands while we sat in the sun and talked of these things that make so much sense to us, and no-sense-at-all to those who have not seen what we see.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved. I know you know this. You and those you love are loved by me. I am not sure you know this but you should.
It will get better. It always does. (Knowing this, is the only thing that’s helped me make it where I am today – which ironically might very well be the same place I was yesterday).
Ahh Chrystal, I know you get where I am. I know you understand it, because like myself, you blog, and I see your trials and tribulations too. I do wish there was a way we could be closer too, but who is to say a glass of wine, on our porches, on the phone wouldn't suffice too :) Even those small breaks from the every day can be great. <3 I love you too. You're an amazing woman, and you'll continue to be great. Ups and downs are the spice of life.
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