I spent almost an hour on the phone with my mom this morning, just bawling. I'm so tired. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this uphill battle.
School was supposed to happen this year, and didn't. My job goes to shit, and then this car accident happens. I know I'm probably going to get let go when I am better, and then I'll be in no better a situation than I am now.
My relationships are all suffering - I am struggling to maintain any sort of respectful relationship with my daughter, and now its going to get worse because I can't BE there. Pain, im short tempered, less pain, im dozing thanks to the meds. Now, im in this place of need, and I hate that I am dumping this much shit on my partner again.
*sigh* its gotta get better right?
Hahaha... just watch it, it will not last but it seems that you like to hold on things and thought.
ReplyDeleteMy fault, I should have tell you that a car and driving is luxury as well. *smile*
Seems that there are many rocks you carry along. Maybe you start with that which is the heaviest right now.
Carrying a Rock
"Letting go" actually means this: It's as if we're carrying a heavy rock. As we carry it, we feel weighed down but we don't know what to do with it, so we keep on carrying it. As soon as someone tells us to throw it away, we think, "Eh? If I throw it away, I won't have anything left." So we keep on carrying it. We aren't willing to throw it away.
Even if someone tells us, "Come on. Throw it away. It'll be good like this, and you'll benefit like that," we're still not willing to throw it away because we're afraid we won't have anything left. So we keep on carrying it until we're so thoroughly weak and tired that we can't carry it anymore. That's when we let it go.
Only when we let it go do we understand letting go. We feel at ease. And we can sense within ourselves how heavy it felt to carry the rock. But while we were carrying it, we didn't know at all how useful letting go could be.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/thai/chah/insimpleterms.html
It will get better. I'm sending you lots of light and love, my friend. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Handle and Brandy! hopefully recovery comes quickly....I'm really suffering here. :(
ReplyDeleteReally!? What makes it like that? Watch it. Do you suffer when you just watch it?
ReplyDeleteTry it.
May you accept that gift:
ReplyDeleteStraight from the Heart
_()_
thank you for a wonderful gift hanzze. I will take the time to read this over the next couple of days. <3 namaste.
ReplyDelete