Starting the Road to my goals.

I have purchased a couple of books to lead me towards my goals as a yoga teacher.

I purchased one on teaching, its an amazing book. I am in love with it already.
The second is one from BKS Iyengar, he's one of the leading yogi's in the world. He's so incredibly bendy.

I have been keeping real, and going to the gym as daily as I can with work. Went last night, and my core is thanking me for everything I did. I'm going again today, doing more core activities. I've discovered the love of the half instability ball. Those things are damned amazing.

I have determined that the places that need the most work from me are my abdominals and my triceps, the rest are doing pretty well, I'm having a hard time fatiguing any of my other muscles.

Then of course to top it off with a swim, is awesome. I just have a few gripes about the pool where I go to the gym, mostly because they don't have dedicated lanes. I mean even one would be nice.

Speaking of working out, I really should add some songs to my ipod to go nuts to. ;)

Till I write again.

Things for the future.

I've hit another period of reflection, and I've had some focus regain in my life again.

Athletics are playing a huge part in my future at this point. I've decided that in the next few months, I want to take a yogi course, to be able to teach yoga. I want to open the gift of yoga up more to people, and I find that with all the yoga that is available, there isn't a cost effective option for low income people, and yoga should be available for all.

Today marks starting at the gym hard again. Right before Christmas will help me maintain my goals into the new year.

My goals for 2011 are:

Take 4 dance classes.
Take the yogi training course.
Start looking into opening a yoga studio, one that caters to the low income families. I don't think that yoga (because its such a huge practice) is doing enough to help everyone. 12-20 bucks for drop in is crazy to me.
Lose 5-30 lbs (i'll be realistic)
Swim/work out 5 days a week.

I'm thinking this is a good start to what I want to accomplish for now. I may add/improve upon this list as time goes by, but for now, I feel good about my choices.

Something about a Sunday.

There's something about a Sunday, that I can't quite put my finger on. 

I don't really remember when it became my day to accomplish all my housework, or to move furniture around, or to sort or organize. I find that I have a hard time if my Sunday isn't filled with all sorts of cleaning. It's like the right way for me to start my week or something.. The house is clean and so am I?

This Sunday was full of changing my bedroom around. I love that I have this little haven to call my own, complete with media outlets, a little slice of relaxation, my own personal little romantic abode. 

What do you like to fill your Sundays with?

Curiosity.

Sometimes I want to understand the human mind more than I do. I was thinking last night about how many people live life with fears. Fears of being themselves and not being accepted. Fears of doing the "wrong" things. Fears that they'll lose what they have. General fears. Pointed fears. Small fears. Tall Fears. 


I was asked last night, how I became the way I am. How I pushed fears away, how I stopped having regrets, how I learned to love, without expectation. 


I really don't know how I became the way that I am, which is where the human mind curiosity gets me going. Part of me got sick of having expectations of people and being let down. Realizing that only I could control my happiness, that I was the only able to change my future, to have control over my successes and failures. 


I used to be afraid of everything. Especially when I became a mother, that made a lot of it worse. I was afraid that I wasn't going to be good enough as a mother. That an earthquake would happen when I was at work one day, and we'd be separated. That I wasn't going to be able to put her in a good school, or give her everything she wanted/needed. Was I ever going to have a good job? Provide myself enough income to shop for clothes once every few months? Have a nest egg, buy a home, buy a car... so many fears, so many worries.


Then almost as if by magic, I woke up one day realizing that I had zero control over some of those things, and  I only had personal control of others. I split them up, and let go of the stupid ones, the ones I could not control, no matter HOW much I wanted to. I took the other ones, and filed them as goals as opposed to worries. I decided, that only *I* was going to be able to deal with them. 


I read a lot. A lot of "self help" relaxation, life control, type books, weblogs, articles. Steve Pavlina was one of the most influential blogs I read. It's not what he said, as much as it was how he said it. It started with finding a website about adjusting my sleep patterns, to be able to get up at 5am, since I was never able to get up without complaining before 9 am, and I NEEDED to fix that. It just kinda went from there. There are always sidebars to his other articles, and I think I spent almost 4 days just reading through this site while I was working. 


A few years later I came across this article (in fact the website itself is a great read, lots of articles) and I read it through a few times. 


Now, I am one of those people who reads a lot, and I can take or leave the information that's there. I don't read something and go "THATS EXACTLY HOW I HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE" because that would be foolish. I am horrible at committing to things. I can't commit to 6 weeks of the gym every day, I can't commit to 6 weeks of healthy eating, or 6 weeks of getting up at 5am, or anything like that. In fact if there was a blog that could teach me commitment, I'd read up on that!


..back to my point. Reading has encouraged a lot of personal freedom for me. I always hated how I felt about myself. I hated how I felt about life, about my "short comings" what I "wasn't given" as a child.. blah blah blah. I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt that way. I've noticed since I have made a conscious decision to change the way that I view my life and my world and the things around me, the more I notice how many people are in pain. How many people are unhappy with themselves, their lives, their pasts. It makes me hurt for them. 


If I could do anything before I die, it would help people realize their own potential, that they are wonderful, that they are unique and special, that nothing in their pasts their present or their future should ever make them feel less than amazing. Less than what they are, because we are ALL capable of being amazing! We are ALL amazing. 


I must end this ramble... :)


Take your life by the kahonas. Know that you are the only one that is capable of making the changes necessary for your own happiness!


And remember, I believe in you, and at any step of your road, you can lean on me, for love, patience and understanding. To help with the hiccups, the bumps and the joys. I'm here for you!

A New Poem of Nonsensicles.

essence of power
strength defined
essence of womanhood
beauty defined
essence of lust
intimacy defined
open your eyes
everything is new
open your heart
its speaking to you. 
essence of calm
world defined
essence of beauty
souls created
essence of amazement
satisfaction guaranteed 

8 years old...

It's interesting, when your child(ren) start to get older. You realize that though you spent many years feeling limited to what you COULDN'T do, you now see that you're able to start doing them again! Let me tell you about 8.

8 is that wonderful year where they start to get some respect. Yep, that's right. Some Respect. They have bigger kids meals at restaurants for kids who are 8. Usually with something more grown up than "Would you like some goldfish shaped crackers?" "No, actually, we'll take the BIG KID meal.". That appeases her more than most. The big kid meal. 
8 is going to the community pool, and NOT having to go swimming with them. Yes parents, that's right. The age where parents can allow their child (in most pools) to swim without you hovering is 8. That means, that no longer do I have to squish my "marque du maman" body into a bathing suit. I can now, put her in a bathing suit, tighten her life jacket, and throw her into the pool, and GO TAKE MY YOGA CLASS. ..not to sound excited. but YAY.
8 is getting excited about things like road trips to other places, with the intent to stay awake. (note how I said intent, not ability) Talking, planning, getting everything organized, loading it into the car, getting into the car, going about 40 clicks, and I realize that I'm officially talking to myself about bakugan and finger skateboards. God forbid I want to change the music to the songs I like, seeing as she's not awake.. OH WAIT, Rhianna/Gwen Stefani/Pink stopped playing, I have to wake up and tell mommy not to change the music.
So I change it back, and she falls back asleep. (Small price to pay for enjoying the road trip with her, honestly)
8 is getting a bigger bike. You get rid of that small pink bike, and get your little tomboy an awesome BMX style black and red rockin' bike. You don't realize that the bumps and bruises also go up a size too. So, as you're feeling this sense of pride watching your little one, on this not-so-little bike, waving with your plaster goofy "Aw Mom, stop it" smile on your face, and it slowly changes to "Oh no, Mom's gonna be mad at something" face because you realize just how much the 5 Transformers band-aids are going to set you back at 2 falls a day, 5 X injury *screech*
8 is more homework than you remember doing at 8. Realizing that you don't have the skills to combat super hard grade 3 style math equasions. Feeling the shame when you write a note to the teacher saying "Alex's homework isn't done because I didn't fully understand the question" and then spending the rest of the day feeling like a dumbass.  "I can balance my check book, find area and mass, but I can't figure out the estimation on this diagram of building blocks?"

8 is wonderful. It's such a fun age - these ages go by so quickly. They stop being toddlers, and BAM, they're these little people. I say to parents out there... enjoy it, because in a blink of an eye, they're going to be these strong willed teenagers, who don't want to hang out with us because we're not cool. We're cool now!

New Beginnings

Have you ever opened your eyes and realized that everything around you is different? Not just "Oh look, someone moved the coffee table" different, but really realized its different?

I realized that I have embarked on something amazing with Alexandria. We're wholly alone - Family exists online, friends are more than 500 long miles away, but that's just to the closest friend, family is 1500 kilometers. To be honest? I'm okay with it! Nothing is as freeing, and scary, and wonderful, and awkward, and amazing as this adventure has been for us so far. Two months, and we're starting to be closer than we ever have been. Close like we were when she was the tiny little baby that I helped nurture into the child she is now. (and damnit, I've done a good job)

Sure, I'm lonely. There's no one to hold me, or share in my joys, or just snuggle up and watch a movie... but without that, I have found that I am okay with myself. When I thought I was at my weakest, I realized that I am really at my strongest. When I thought that Alexandria wouldn't have enough with just me, I realized that all she needs in life is my loving embrace to make the distance from her family not seem so far. 

She is thriving, just like I knew she would. We've had a couple of bumps in the road, but when you take the road less traveled you often run into little snags here and there. She is such a strong and beautiful little girl. She is getting the chance just to be a kid now, for the first time in as many years as I can remember. 

Just remember to hug your children often. I have to remember constantly that they're not perfect. That the light that shines from within them is something to be treasured, even if I've had a bad day. Their innocent joy will grow out of them, much like they outgrow bikes, soon enough, and to let them just... be carefree, and enjoy their childhood is the number one thing you can do.

And to just love them. Every day. As many times a day as you can.