So, I can't fully do this, without disclosing what happened to the people around me as well.
The months before I even met the man I wronged, I had a few friends who were there for me. They listened to me, they cared about me, and I for them. We had never met face to face, and those friends changed over time, but they were always there. Something I have realized about myself - when I feel overwhelmed by a situation, even if theres no fault to be had from either party, I will go and blame the other person, and explain, tell and fabricate small things in ways that leave me looking clean in spite of everything that they don't know. I have become someone who is content to perpetuate drama. To have "oh poor Lauren" bestowed upon her. "Whatever will you do?" "Why are you putting yourself through this?" Its been that way for years. I guess I like to try to play the Martyr. I like to be revered for my ability to withstand and appear strong given various situations outcomes - blah blah blah.
Lets face the cold hard facts shall we?
I am quite weak. I can be strong in the face of actual situations, I have learned that its fight or flight, and I toil between both, however emotionally, I am quite weak. I play up the situations in my life, to make me feel stronger about my choices.
I will manipulate a situation to try to come out looking like I was clean throughout it. That I am perfect, that I was better than it all. This is not true at all. I have recently learned humility, shame, and guilt - three things i've experienced in such small doses becuase I've chosen to ignore it before, however have been very prevalant in this situation because of this situation, and I don't expect the lessons learned from this situation to go away soon after.
I don't like to be viewed in a negative light. HOWEVER, facing the facts of what I did before, I realized the whole time I was telling myself I was making myself look good, I was actually embarassing myself far further than I had to. infact, if I hadn't taken such measures like I didn, a post like this wouldn't be necessary.
To the people who stood by me throughout this situation. I admire you're ability to stay friends with someone who has created so much needless and senseless drama. To the people who are still friends with me after reading the truth, hearing the truth, and knowing the truth - You people mean the world to me. You're true friends who realize underneath it all, I'm not a terrible person, and for that, I thank you.
To those who were pulled and (Seemingly forced) into believing one side or the other, I apologize for the things and the actions I took to ensure that one side or the other was chosen. For those who chose to do it because they saw the truth through my bullshit? I'm glad you did, I wasn't worth the friendship at the time, and you made the right decisions.
For those who have ever felt a sense of guilt or betrayl for something they did when I lost my marbles, in the process of side picking, etc... please don't. I don't hold you responsible for your actions, the only person I have to blame for losing the friendships I did, is me.
I want to name names so badly so that I can point out specifically who I am talking to and about, but that wouldn't be fair to the people I never even knew were affected by it all (and trust me, I am sure there are a lot of you... its dark when your head is up your ass)
I am not asking for your forgiveness, I am asking you to realize, that I have indeed understood where I went wrong in a lot of ways. Maybe not specifically to our direct situation, but given time, I am committed to individually apologizing to those who will receive it.
I am sorry for the ways I mislead you, the ways I betrayed our friendships, for hurting you, for hurting your friend.
Shamefully,
Me
The months before I even met the man I wronged, I had a few friends who were there for me. They listened to me, they cared about me, and I for them. We had never met face to face, and those friends changed over time, but they were always there. Something I have realized about myself - when I feel overwhelmed by a situation, even if theres no fault to be had from either party, I will go and blame the other person, and explain, tell and fabricate small things in ways that leave me looking clean in spite of everything that they don't know. I have become someone who is content to perpetuate drama. To have "oh poor Lauren" bestowed upon her. "Whatever will you do?" "Why are you putting yourself through this?" Its been that way for years. I guess I like to try to play the Martyr. I like to be revered for my ability to withstand and appear strong given various situations outcomes - blah blah blah.
Lets face the cold hard facts shall we?
I am quite weak. I can be strong in the face of actual situations, I have learned that its fight or flight, and I toil between both, however emotionally, I am quite weak. I play up the situations in my life, to make me feel stronger about my choices.
I will manipulate a situation to try to come out looking like I was clean throughout it. That I am perfect, that I was better than it all. This is not true at all. I have recently learned humility, shame, and guilt - three things i've experienced in such small doses becuase I've chosen to ignore it before, however have been very prevalant in this situation because of this situation, and I don't expect the lessons learned from this situation to go away soon after.
I don't like to be viewed in a negative light. HOWEVER, facing the facts of what I did before, I realized the whole time I was telling myself I was making myself look good, I was actually embarassing myself far further than I had to. infact, if I hadn't taken such measures like I didn, a post like this wouldn't be necessary.
To the people who stood by me throughout this situation. I admire you're ability to stay friends with someone who has created so much needless and senseless drama. To the people who are still friends with me after reading the truth, hearing the truth, and knowing the truth - You people mean the world to me. You're true friends who realize underneath it all, I'm not a terrible person, and for that, I thank you.
To those who were pulled and (Seemingly forced) into believing one side or the other, I apologize for the things and the actions I took to ensure that one side or the other was chosen. For those who chose to do it because they saw the truth through my bullshit? I'm glad you did, I wasn't worth the friendship at the time, and you made the right decisions.
For those who have ever felt a sense of guilt or betrayl for something they did when I lost my marbles, in the process of side picking, etc... please don't. I don't hold you responsible for your actions, the only person I have to blame for losing the friendships I did, is me.
I want to name names so badly so that I can point out specifically who I am talking to and about, but that wouldn't be fair to the people I never even knew were affected by it all (and trust me, I am sure there are a lot of you... its dark when your head is up your ass)
I am not asking for your forgiveness, I am asking you to realize, that I have indeed understood where I went wrong in a lot of ways. Maybe not specifically to our direct situation, but given time, I am committed to individually apologizing to those who will receive it.
I am sorry for the ways I mislead you, the ways I betrayed our friendships, for hurting you, for hurting your friend.
Shamefully,
Me
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