Lately I've been feeling, well, different. I don't know how to explain the differences, other than knowing I am learning right from wrong all over again, much like you do when you're a child, just from a much different perspective than I'm sure I would have given it then.
I read through my blog sometimes, and I see the ways I have changed, not just in what I write, but how I write it. I follow other blogs, and I read what they're writing too, and we're all very passionate about our "things" beliefs, items, articles, subjects, life choices, life messes... we're all as real and as passionate as we can be.
I feel lately, rather guilty for the whole mess I caused for someone who didn't deserve it. I hate that I hurt him the way I did, and I hate that I didn't fully realize the things I have until they were put in front of my face the way they have been, not just by him, but by the friends of ours that got pulled into the situation. I expect anger and emotion from a lot of people. I really don't mind it. It hurts, of course it hurts, I'm am full of shame and remorse for the situations at hand, and I am ready and willing to hear the things people have to say.
My ability to face the truth, and receive what people need to say, is front and center. I am not skirting what has happened, and I am not skirting the responses either.
However, I feel that of course because there was a 6 month door put in the way of all of it, that people expect that I am the same person now, that I was then. I don't believe that is true at all. I believe that people as a whole are capable or growing and changing, especially when they know before being told by anyone that something they did, something that happened, may not have been the way it was perceived. I was aware of this, however, I had to take some steps, and make some changes to be able to receive all that I have. It wouldn't have done anyone any good if I was still in the same shitpoor state that I was in then. I am aware that in this situation, that time didn't work in anyones favor. For that, I will once again say sorry.
I am me, I am human, and I make mistakes just like anyone else. I didn't mean for this mistake to have destroyed so many friendships, to have caused so much heartache, nor did I mean for it to make and cause the troubles that it has, especially for him.
I read through my blog sometimes, and I see the ways I have changed, not just in what I write, but how I write it. I follow other blogs, and I read what they're writing too, and we're all very passionate about our "things" beliefs, items, articles, subjects, life choices, life messes... we're all as real and as passionate as we can be.
I feel lately, rather guilty for the whole mess I caused for someone who didn't deserve it. I hate that I hurt him the way I did, and I hate that I didn't fully realize the things I have until they were put in front of my face the way they have been, not just by him, but by the friends of ours that got pulled into the situation. I expect anger and emotion from a lot of people. I really don't mind it. It hurts, of course it hurts, I'm am full of shame and remorse for the situations at hand, and I am ready and willing to hear the things people have to say.
My ability to face the truth, and receive what people need to say, is front and center. I am not skirting what has happened, and I am not skirting the responses either.
However, I feel that of course because there was a 6 month door put in the way of all of it, that people expect that I am the same person now, that I was then. I don't believe that is true at all. I believe that people as a whole are capable or growing and changing, especially when they know before being told by anyone that something they did, something that happened, may not have been the way it was perceived. I was aware of this, however, I had to take some steps, and make some changes to be able to receive all that I have. It wouldn't have done anyone any good if I was still in the same shitpoor state that I was in then. I am aware that in this situation, that time didn't work in anyones favor. For that, I will once again say sorry.
I am me, I am human, and I make mistakes just like anyone else. I didn't mean for this mistake to have destroyed so many friendships, to have caused so much heartache, nor did I mean for it to make and cause the troubles that it has, especially for him.
"I am learning right from wrong all over again, much like you do when you're a child, just from a much different perspective than I'm sure I would have given it then."
ReplyDeleteYou and me, both!! I was just thinking lately how I'm re-learning lessons I thought I had figured out, too. A spiritual practice has a way of doing that it seems. Digging around inside us until it finds those obstacles to lay bare.
But, we also deserve to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves some time, forgiveness and patience. We must forgive ourselves as much as anyone. Boy, I know this on well from personal experience. I have a psychological condition that is a form of bipolar where I am overly harsh on myself.
So, I am slowly learning how to sooth myself and be kind to myself. So, I hope you take some time to care for yourself and forgive yourself for simply being human. ;) Best wishes.