With the winter slowly melting away, and the spring making a large entrance into life, I have noticed so many things that the winters discontent happened to bring forth into my life.
I have spoken breifly without much detail about a "situation" that happened to "plague" my life in September of last year. Those who are close to me know my details on what happened, some of you have no clue.
In the spirit of my blog, and my (newly found) foundations, I put forth a communication between someone who I felt I had wronged, to try to set things right, and with that came a lot more than what I had anticipated. It's hard without giving too much detail, not to be so vague, because I don't know what information the other party wants revealed in the situation. In the values that go behind setting records straight, I will put forth as much as I can here.
Lets start January/Feb of 2010.
I was living in BC, you had become a part of my life that I was interested in continuing further. We talked for hours, at work, through msn, through text. You made me laugh, and laugh in a way that I hadn't been able to laugh in years. You renewed that feeling of "life would be okay" just through our conversations, however I was hesitant to come forth with a lot of the information about my life that was necessary to have an open and honest relationship with you. Its a part of me that I have struggled with for a very long time. Lying by omission. I often think because things aren't important to me, that theres no need to pass it along. I've started to realize, that if its something I can say "oh its not that important" to, that really, I should be disclosing it.
Carry forward a couple of months to June, I come visit for a second time, and really put into motion that I no longer want to be in BC, but want to see what life could be like out here in Alberta. I don't know if YOU were the main catalyst for that, or if it was my need to run that started it, but either way.. from June onward it was my goal to be here.
I put out of my mind anything and everything else except being out here and being with you. I think that worked against us, because I had a preconceived opinion on how things "should" go, and yet so many hesitations. I have realized I don't know how to go into something without it being extreme from the get go.
When I got here, there was a situation that arose with some "so called friends" I had, that despite being terrible to me the months leading up to my move out there, moved my things for me, but got belligerant once they had my stuff in the driveway. You stepped up. You came forward and protected me and my family. You put yourself out there, and really showed me how amazing you could be. I am so terrified of conflict, especially when my reasoning is simply "because I want to" or "because I don't want to". This is part of my issue in dealing with conflict that took us to where we were.
Once I moved out here, things spiralled out of control for me - it wasn't you at all. I had conflict in my life with my ex partner and the lack of resolution for how things went there (or even my insecurity), missing my family, being depressed, being a shut in, becoming emotionally volatile. I can't imagine what it must have been like watching someone you love just completely break down and not be able to do anything about it.
Once we were living together, I don't know.. the idea of what I wanted changed? I was unhappy? Im pretty sure it was with myself more than it ever was with you, and then of course, when I started talking with my ex, I blew everything right out of proportion. I became a totally bipolar person. Again, I can only imagine what it was like trying to talk to me, or be around me.
The night everything happened, I had determined that I wasn't capable of just asking you to leave, that of course in all my dramatic fashion, I would have to make it personal, and make it a fight. I had convinced myself that if I was to lose you, I had to REALLY lose you, force you out. I drank, I drank excessively. I talked to anyone who would listen and potentially side with me on the concerns I had about us, just to have someone.. ANYONE tell me that leaving you was the 100% right thing to do. I always needed that "assurance" of people who had no clue about anything telling me what to do, as I was too weak to make decisions on my own. This wasn't anything NEW to me, however it was something I chose to be ignorant to.
So I got what I needed. People had confirmed with me that my speculations about you could potentially be true. I didn't ever get into how *I* treated you, only the ways you responded to it, and without my side in things yours always looked really bad. Gotta paint myself in the bright light right?
When you got home that night, I went out of my way to pick the biggest fight I could with you, in simple hopes of you just leaving. I didn't think that *I* would spiral out of control as badly as I did, but I also couldn't figure out with me being that terrible, why you would want to just stay, and so I became further determined to get you out. By any means necessary. I pushed you, I goaded you, I harassed you, and eventually I won. You were leaving. I locked you out with no keys, no wallet, no phone, no smokes.. and when in your frustration of the beating I had laid out caused you to have your ONE lash out in frustration, I happened to take that an run with it. Oh god, the door came crashing in at me, he was trying to attack me. He did it all with my child in the home. Oh my god he's such a terrible person. I am an angel, I did nothing wrong.... we both know thats not the case. I felt justified for whatever reason I told myself in everything I did.
When the police got involved, I thought I was doing what I needed to do to protect myself, however, and although its taken me time to realize it, I was never a victim. My actions, my responses to our actions, and how I laid things out in the weeks following, made you more of a victim of the shitpile I caused more than anything you did to me. When we were finally able to sit down and discuss things, thats when the reality of what my actions have caused came truly clear to me. I knew what had gone on, your sister and I are close friends, however, hearing it from you.. I don't know why it made so much of a difference, but I needed to hear how I wronged you, from you.
So, my admissions in the situations from 6 months ago, have led me to a place, where I am determined to make things right. I am determined to let everyone who was affected by my part in this situation know the truth, and how I used the sitations for my own gain, which resulted in someone elses immediate losses, and continued losses. I manipulated specific situations to keep someone out of my life, and I came to realize how wrong I was in that.
Sometimes it takes going backwards to move forwards.
I am taking steps to have this situation removed from the other parties life. This admission of my guilt is not the only action I have taken to making this situation right, however it's a crucial part that people know the truth.
Shamefully,
Me.
I have spoken breifly without much detail about a "situation" that happened to "plague" my life in September of last year. Those who are close to me know my details on what happened, some of you have no clue.
In the spirit of my blog, and my (newly found) foundations, I put forth a communication between someone who I felt I had wronged, to try to set things right, and with that came a lot more than what I had anticipated. It's hard without giving too much detail, not to be so vague, because I don't know what information the other party wants revealed in the situation. In the values that go behind setting records straight, I will put forth as much as I can here.
Lets start January/Feb of 2010.
I was living in BC, you had become a part of my life that I was interested in continuing further. We talked for hours, at work, through msn, through text. You made me laugh, and laugh in a way that I hadn't been able to laugh in years. You renewed that feeling of "life would be okay" just through our conversations, however I was hesitant to come forth with a lot of the information about my life that was necessary to have an open and honest relationship with you. Its a part of me that I have struggled with for a very long time. Lying by omission. I often think because things aren't important to me, that theres no need to pass it along. I've started to realize, that if its something I can say "oh its not that important" to, that really, I should be disclosing it.
Carry forward a couple of months to June, I come visit for a second time, and really put into motion that I no longer want to be in BC, but want to see what life could be like out here in Alberta. I don't know if YOU were the main catalyst for that, or if it was my need to run that started it, but either way.. from June onward it was my goal to be here.
I put out of my mind anything and everything else except being out here and being with you. I think that worked against us, because I had a preconceived opinion on how things "should" go, and yet so many hesitations. I have realized I don't know how to go into something without it being extreme from the get go.
When I got here, there was a situation that arose with some "so called friends" I had, that despite being terrible to me the months leading up to my move out there, moved my things for me, but got belligerant once they had my stuff in the driveway. You stepped up. You came forward and protected me and my family. You put yourself out there, and really showed me how amazing you could be. I am so terrified of conflict, especially when my reasoning is simply "because I want to" or "because I don't want to". This is part of my issue in dealing with conflict that took us to where we were.
Once I moved out here, things spiralled out of control for me - it wasn't you at all. I had conflict in my life with my ex partner and the lack of resolution for how things went there (or even my insecurity), missing my family, being depressed, being a shut in, becoming emotionally volatile. I can't imagine what it must have been like watching someone you love just completely break down and not be able to do anything about it.
Once we were living together, I don't know.. the idea of what I wanted changed? I was unhappy? Im pretty sure it was with myself more than it ever was with you, and then of course, when I started talking with my ex, I blew everything right out of proportion. I became a totally bipolar person. Again, I can only imagine what it was like trying to talk to me, or be around me.
The night everything happened, I had determined that I wasn't capable of just asking you to leave, that of course in all my dramatic fashion, I would have to make it personal, and make it a fight. I had convinced myself that if I was to lose you, I had to REALLY lose you, force you out. I drank, I drank excessively. I talked to anyone who would listen and potentially side with me on the concerns I had about us, just to have someone.. ANYONE tell me that leaving you was the 100% right thing to do. I always needed that "assurance" of people who had no clue about anything telling me what to do, as I was too weak to make decisions on my own. This wasn't anything NEW to me, however it was something I chose to be ignorant to.
So I got what I needed. People had confirmed with me that my speculations about you could potentially be true. I didn't ever get into how *I* treated you, only the ways you responded to it, and without my side in things yours always looked really bad. Gotta paint myself in the bright light right?
When you got home that night, I went out of my way to pick the biggest fight I could with you, in simple hopes of you just leaving. I didn't think that *I* would spiral out of control as badly as I did, but I also couldn't figure out with me being that terrible, why you would want to just stay, and so I became further determined to get you out. By any means necessary. I pushed you, I goaded you, I harassed you, and eventually I won. You were leaving. I locked you out with no keys, no wallet, no phone, no smokes.. and when in your frustration of the beating I had laid out caused you to have your ONE lash out in frustration, I happened to take that an run with it. Oh god, the door came crashing in at me, he was trying to attack me. He did it all with my child in the home. Oh my god he's such a terrible person. I am an angel, I did nothing wrong.... we both know thats not the case. I felt justified for whatever reason I told myself in everything I did.
When the police got involved, I thought I was doing what I needed to do to protect myself, however, and although its taken me time to realize it, I was never a victim. My actions, my responses to our actions, and how I laid things out in the weeks following, made you more of a victim of the shitpile I caused more than anything you did to me. When we were finally able to sit down and discuss things, thats when the reality of what my actions have caused came truly clear to me. I knew what had gone on, your sister and I are close friends, however, hearing it from you.. I don't know why it made so much of a difference, but I needed to hear how I wronged you, from you.
So, my admissions in the situations from 6 months ago, have led me to a place, where I am determined to make things right. I am determined to let everyone who was affected by my part in this situation know the truth, and how I used the sitations for my own gain, which resulted in someone elses immediate losses, and continued losses. I manipulated specific situations to keep someone out of my life, and I came to realize how wrong I was in that.
Sometimes it takes going backwards to move forwards.
I am taking steps to have this situation removed from the other parties life. This admission of my guilt is not the only action I have taken to making this situation right, however it's a crucial part that people know the truth.
Shamefully,
Me.
Wow, what an amazing post. There is no 'shamefully' about it. It is fantastic that you can speak openly and hold your hand up to what you have done. I admire anybody's honestly :-) Pixie
ReplyDeleteThanks Pixie!! :) I look forward to following another wonderful blog!
ReplyDelete