Saturday, February 26, 2011

No means Yes?

I spend a lot of time at work reading the news, and I find that although I remain rather unstirred and impartial about a lot of the terrible things I read, this one caught my attention.

Victim To Blame?

There are a couple of stories on google news about it, and honestly, some of the things I've read in it, bother me immensely.

"Judge Dewar listed several reasons for this misinterpretation, including that the victim and her friend were wearing tube tops, high heels and makeup; that the two had implied they might want to go skinny-dipping in a lake nearby and that the circumstances of their encounter with Mr. Rhodes and his friend were “inviting.”"

I mean really? Its the middle of the summer, its hot out, we don't live in India or Pakistan or somewhere us women need to be FULLY clothed - but somehow with drinking and flirtations, oh and the addition of heels and a tube top sans bra - means that she wanted it?

Okay, so I can't point out how many different ways of wrong this is. First off - yes, its the media, so of course they publish what they want to, to make an impact with their story - but if this is really what the judge was saying, I am confused for sexual assault rights in Canada! This is a classic case of Date Rape.

I am most confused about "what she was wearing" holding any bearing on the "invitation of sexual intercourse". If I was to wear a bikini to the beach, is that going to be taken as a valid "invitation"?

Men - remember, I don't care how drunk you are, how drunk she is, how slutty she seems, how shes dressed, if the words NO, I'm not sure, I don't want to, I don't think I can, not right now, ANYTHING with a negative come out? ITS A NO GO ZONE. Plus, wouldn't it be more fun if she came to you for it instead of you going to her?

Ladies - Be clear of what you mean when you say it. If it's someone who respects you, he won't be hurt by the words "I don't want to have sex with you". (and if you say it THAT clearly? There is nothing left to translation either.)

Better yet? Lets just all be celibate.

...just kidding.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Only Explantion

I have posted from Oriah Mountain Dreamer before Here

Her blog can be found Here

The Moment Before
I want to touch
the sharp taste
of the moment in between
the second just before
the place where
the breath catches
in anticipation.
It's the scent of heat held in the air
between two mouths
reaching for each other, hungry.
The shine of moisture on slightly parted lips
just before
it melts into
the wetness of the other.
It is the skin that tingles
waiting
fine hairs at attention
reaching
aching.
It is the places that have not yet been touched
but know they will be.
It is the smooth, quivering paleness
of the inner thigh
as the outer is stroked and kneaded.
The muscles of the abdomen tightening
the back arching slightly
begging
come here
quickly
slowly.
There, in that moment
do not take your eyes from mine.
I am here
awake
I am
reaching
to be
met.
Do not touch me and keep your soul
out of your fingertips.
Die into me
or do not come into me at all.
Ever after is in this moment
happily or not.
Sacrifice the daydream.
Dare to hold the desire
for a great love.
Be with me.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer © 1995 from Dreams of Desire All rights reserved.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Serendipity.

the days of simplicity.  

taco chips and coke. 
movies and music
mosquitoes and bad jokes

before the solitude
the confusion
the angst. 

conversation and cigarettes
music and reminiscing 
hope that tomorrow

will be brighter still. 



Sunday, February 20, 2011

Forward into life.

Yoga is something that's become a bit of a fundamental base for me in the past few months. It was something that I always wanted to get into, and I became so addicted to it. Its something that's amazing for stress release, and emotional release too.

The gym as well, and combining the two of them.

I have found that throughout this last year or so, the introduction of yoga and the gym has done a lot for my body, but it's done a lot for my mind too.

About two years ago, I am pretty sure I hit somewhere dark in my mind, in my heart. I couldn't tell you what happened, or why, or if there was a specific trigger - but it took over me and didn't let go until my feet started hitting literal pavement.

I took up running. I did some retail therapy, and it resulted in some work out clothing, expensive runners, and a gym pass. I started slow. I went to the gym a few days a week, I started at running slowly, a few mins on the treadmill, a few on the elliptical.  My cardio was shit, but I kept at it. Before the introduction of a physical routine, I was a defeatist, and those who know me well, would tell you that is 100% truth. Instead of trying to find a solution to things, defeat was easier to accept.

It took a life altering choice to make this decision.

I turned the world of two people I cared about upside down, and inside out.  It wasn't MY world that was broken.. it was theirs. I was convinced that they were both so incredibly screwed up, that it couldn't possibly be me. With one, I just pushed him away. I didn't do it the right way. I spent a good year and a half breaking down.

The other, was much worse. I took a thousand wrong steps, and broke that life into pieces. It resulted in two perfectly normal people, becoming completely messed up. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and I just sank into my selfishness.

It took these two situations in less than 6 months, to realize that I couldn't just point fingers at other people anymore. I was angry at myself. I hated who I was, who I had become, and what I had done to hurt people I cared about. I don't know, but I'm sure I hurt more than just those two people. Anyways..I couldn't make things right overnight, I had to take time, and make the effort.

The effort started at the gym, and the amount of things I have realized maybe because of being alone, pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion. It took hours upon hours of bending and stretching and finding my center. Breathing, and sweating, and focusing. It really did clear my head. Loud music, (loud Prem Joshua) and doing things that I didn't think my body could do. It turned itself into being surprised at what my mind could do. I've read for years the benefits of physical activity on depression, but I never really understood it.

I have made changes, and seen a lot of light in seemingly dark tunnels. I have accepted what it was I have done, and discoveries are made every day, and I'm more okay now than I have been in a long time. Before to have things that I have done wrong discussed with me, I would have gone off the deep end. I was "perfect". I am not perfect. I don't WANT to be perfect. I want to be real. I want to be me. I want to be loved for being me, the me that people in my life have deserved for years, instead of the me that I wanted to be.

The true you is an invaluable discovery. For some, athletics can be a key to finding it. For me, it opened a million and one doors to myself that I didn't even know were closed.

And now, I can truly say, that I am on a strong path to happiness, but more importantly, I am taking stock in the people in my life that deserve to have the REAL me.












Friday, February 18, 2011

I'm building me my very own getaway car...


Who let the cat out?
Who´s in charge here?

Whats the latest? am I supposed to be here?
Have you met him? Have you met her?
Well he´s the greatest but she thinks she´s better
Who let the minutes hold you hostage?
Who´s said they´re better when they havent started?
I meant to tell you but you looked too tired
I meant to tell you but the race had started

Who´s shooting this pilot it will never get made?
Who wrote this song it will never get played?
I´ve been here for so long I might as well stay
it looks as though things are never gonna change
So if the moment´s hard to find
Or the perfect place to hide
I´m building me my very own getaway car

So introduce me while I´m floating
My smile feels tired and I think its showing
Please excuse me the water´s shallow
I hear what youre saying though its hard to swallow
I´ll fight the courage treading water
Why sink or swim here when nobody bothers
I meant to tell you but you looked too tired
I meant to tell you but the race had started

Who´s shooting this pilot it will never get made?
Who wrote this song it will never get played?
I´ve been here for so long I might as well stay
It looks as though things are never gonna change
So if the moment´s hard to find
Or the perfect place to hide
I´m building me my very own getaway car

It feels like a play on an evercrowded stage
Every face in the crowd whispered words getting loud
Let the song set the stage let the voices change
Cue the choir hit the lights let the violin sustain

Who´s shooting this pilot it will never get made?
Who wrote this song it will never get played?
I´ve been here for so long I might as well stay
It looks as though things are never gonna change
So if the moment´s hard to find
Or the perfect place to hide
I´m building me my very own getaway car 

The road from yesterday, is the path to tomorrow - Unless there's a fork in the road.

What I thought I knew yesterday, isn't the same as what I know today. Learning and growing is such a huge part of who I am right now. Thriving and sharing, is something else I hold close.

Do we always know how things are supposed to work out? Do we always know the reasons for the way things happen? I think that a lot of the lessons I have learned in the last 5 years, have been to help me grow. It's always been letting me grow - and grow I have, and growing I'll keep doing.

Everyone you know has been placed in your life for a reason. I don't know what everyones reason is, and sometimes some of you seem to complicate things more than others, however - you're all important. I need you, and you need me too sometimes. This is a normal thing for any relationship.

Is part of letting go, and having closure on things as complex as we once thought? I thought that through many situations in my life, some near, and some far, that I have received the closure that I found necessary to deal with a lot of the situations in my past. To be able to move on with the future. To be able to live in today.
I have found that being driven to be the best, to not be ordinary, to be.. memorable - well it isn't worth the price it took on other people, or myself. My insecurities. Those are what drove me to do so many of the negative things that I've done. So many of the poor choices, or not well thought out decisions. Everyone has the desire to be loved, and I am no different than anyone else. I needed to take myself off the pedestal that I had kept myself on, and learn humility. I needed to learn that everyone is extraordinary in their own ways, not just me. That it was okay to fail, to be weak.

With everything that has gone on in my life since leaving BC, and moving here, it would be foolish for me to think that I haven't changed as a person. I have changed a lot. I have learned humility, and regret. I am humiliated by my behaviour in some more than specific situations. I am ashamed of how low I let things go. I am ashamed of the hurt and the pain that I have caused, and just because I haven't spoken about it til now, doesn't mean that it hasn't been on my mind a million and one times. The ability to see the past in a different light, and know that things could have been done differently, is something that's always been really easy for me, but really hard to accept.

I hate referring to this as "the path", but really, isn't everything a path?

I was wrong. I did things the wrong way. I should have just ended it. Thats the way it always turns out, that I should have just ended it. I have hurt so many people because of my inability to deal with things, and I don't know when I stopped being able to, but I just.. did.

So here is the fork in the road. I have started down the path that looks like it can lead to things that are a lot better than they have been. I am going with an open mind, without expectations. With humility, and shame, without pride or judgement.

For the right reasons.


Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day

Every year, this day comes and goes without much of a thought by me. I've always found it a hallmark holiday, however a friend of mine pointed out that Valentines Day and Halloween are two holidays not celebrated enough. I would agree with that being a Halloween baby (coincidentally so is she).

I have loved. I am lucky to have loved the people I have, and to have been loved in return by a good many as well. I have hurt, and been hurt. I have recovered and kept that love secret, but it always remains. I have always held the belief, that if it's real love, not just infatuation, not just lust - that it remains. It's not overwhelming like when you first meet someone, and when you're just this bleeding heart of lust, but more so, that you can overlook the things that caused the relationship to fail, and just remember and reminisce on the love you both once shared. It's easier to keep loving someone silently than to fill your world with hate.

I have shared this theory over many years, with many people. Your heart is capable of holding love for more than just one person. You never have to act upon it, and you may not be "in love", but you are capable of changing your perceptions, and choosing to love, instead of hate.
This application applies to more than just lovers, or partners. It applies to friends, and family, and other situations as well.


I have had this friend, for many years - gosh 6 or 7 years now. She was my female soulmate. My best friend. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't msn, or have tea, or coffee, or hang out, or SOMETHING. This woman shared in my hurt, and my joy, and I hers. She was as true a friend as friends could be. We lost touch a couple of times. It may just have been my selfishness, and my growing as I seem to be a chameleon of people when times get tough, but we lost the friendship over an angry situation about 2 years ago.

The best valentines gift (or any gift in my opinion) is having those TRUE people in your life. Having them be a part of your support network, your joy circle. I think there is merit in saying I'm sorry to those people that you hold close enough to still think about every day, even while doing the most mundane of tasks.

If you have people like that in your life, lost loves, lost friends, people you just haven't said hello to in so long its awkward - take today - its an excuse to say "Oh, by the way, Happy Valentines Day." Or send them an ecard, a text, an email - just anything.

Well, that friend and I started talking again yesterday - and now, shes the mother of a beautiful little girl. Her and her husband were blessed with this perfect little minirach. I am so happy to have her back in my life again, as I am with all people who were true friends. Romance and love don't exist solely with sexual partners. You must romance and love your friends too ;)

Happy Valentines Day.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

I see you! (a note to my fans)

So, I think that its only fair that I advise you all, I know who you are, and where you visit from. I am a fan of knowing my fans. So many of you read, and none of you comment :)

Yes, I see you.

I see that you use windows 7, and chrome browser, or that you use a mac os with safari, I see that you're in Port Coquitlam, B.C., and in Italy. It's something that I take great enjoyment. Plus blogger has this cool feature that lets me know where most of my "fans" come from too, so its a real time account of who is reading and when!

So, lets go over some awesome things.

1. I can see the posts you read, and the ones you like the most. Thats my fave part.
2. Smartscreen in internet explorer, doesn't really hide that you visited. this site does.
3. I've started using tags in my posts so that you can pick the topics that you like - and that shows up on my tracker as the coolest thing ever.
4. I can see how long you spend reading it. I love the posts that make you stop and think, or the ones that are a quick easy read through. The ones you ponder at the longest, are the ones that I have put the most effort into.
5. I suggest this option for all bloggers!!! GO HERE to get it!!

I love blogging. I love reading all the blogs that I am subscribed to. It's something I love doing.
Won't you share it with me too?

Namaste.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Closer to the Heart.

I want to take a second to walk away from all my self help mumbo jumbo, and discuss something that I am really saddened by, which of course, lots of people are talking about.

My hometown - well, I have a few. One that stays in my heart, is Whistler, B.C. or rather, the whole sea-to-sky.  In recent days, there has been a scandal unfolding - The senseless killing of 100 sled dogs. The story is, they were culled because it wasn't worth it to keep feeding them with the downturn after the Olympics. Now.. There are so many websites that are reporting on this. Personal websites, news websites, it makes me sick, and its glorifying the issue, giving it focus, and attention. Yes, we should be aware of the senselessness of the issue. Yes, it's important to know that this happened.

No, its not making a "stand" to have a website dedicated to "boycotting Whistler". This is an AMAZING town. I have spent so much of my life in it to know that this is a town that is dedicated to people and their pets! This is a town with an amazing dog shelter, where everyone knows what a "Mount Currie Special" is, and knows that its an amazing breed of dog; one thats loyal and loving, that will care for and play with your children, that everyone will be drawn to, asking "what kind of dog is that?". This is not a TOWN wide issue, this is a company wide issue.

The company that is involved, is being penalized. The police and the SPCA are involved. People ARE doing something about this. What needs to be done is being done.

Leave the dramatics behind. I know many people who own businesses there. Many people whose lives revolve around those people coming to visit that town. That town, is, everything that the Olympics portrayed it to be.

We need to stand together as people who love our province, our towns, our country. We need to let people know that this isn't something that our town, if it is, if it was your town, stand up, and let it be known what a wonderful town this is.


Beautiful British Columbia.


Apples and Oranges

Sometimes it feels like I am regressing back into the me I don't like. Sometimes, I look at myself, and I don't always like my reflection. Sometimes, I want to just curl up in a ball, and cry - and today was one of those days.

I have done some things that I am not proud of, I have hurt people I love, because I didn't have the respect or the strength just to say that I was weak, and I was in need. I have a hard time asking for what I need. It's a downfall for me, because it should be easy to reach out for love.

This path that I am taking, has made me become more aware of that. That it's okay to ask for love. That it's okay to say that I am weak, and not have to be strong all the time. It's okay to admit that I've been wrong, and made mistakes. Little mistakes, or big mistakes, costing me people I care about in the process.

I have learned that there are people who have been brought into my life for reasons. I didn't know them when I met them, but I am learning to see what people are for who they are, and the reasons they are in my life. I am more whole for having these people in my life, each adding something amazing, unique, and spectacular to who I am. It takes friends and family to make a person whole.

You, trying to explain to you what you mean to me, won't ever be adequate. Trying to tell you how important you are to me, what you are to me, who you've been to me. what you will continue to be in my life.. I will never be able to thank you for.

You, will always be that ray of sunshine, after 15 weeks of snow (trust me, I'm getting really good with this whole snow thing). You will always be something that warms me, that makes me whole. You are a part of me. You flow through me like my blood flows through my veins. You are the air in my lungs, and the beat to my heart. You are my best friend. You are my family. You are my acquaintance, that I can't wait to get to know.
You have taught me who I am, and will continue to teach me. You let me hold your heart in my hands, and I wont do anything to break it.

To you, my family, my friend.

<3