Pondering and meandering

Ponderings and meanderings have lead me to some conclusions as of late. Not long ago, I had so many questions, so many concerns, so many inconsistencies, so much need for change. I did what not a lot of people can do, I uprooted my life, said goodbye to my family, and moved away. I planned it, I put it together, I picked it all up, and I moved it. It was the scariest, most amazing, thrilling, dumbest, well planned, sacrificial thing I have ever done.

It was so freeing. To just pick it up, and let it all go. I let go of so much negativity when I moved. It was like, a part of me was reborn. It wasn't without it's struggles though, being so far away from my support network, I thought it was going to be the scariest thing I had ever done but my grandparents, and my mom were out to visit me before I'd even been here 3 months. That made the first little bit easier. Alex's birthday without my family, was hard, but we had an amazing time thanks to a family that I became close with when I first moved here. My birthday was good, because I was able to be home for it, and to celebrate my grandparents 50th anniversary too. Christmas alone was the hardest part I think. Connected to my whole family via a computer, it was so strange. I wanted to be there the second I saw them. The second I saw my dad, I realized that I missed him so much.

Then there was repairing a bond between me and someone I truly care about that has made this both easier and harder all at the same time. Back in September, we opened the lines of communication again, to get some closure from our past. I wasn't always this... centered, this... zen. I was so angry, all the time, for a LONG time, and I can be cruel when I'm angry. A lot of my choice to leave was about just that.. my anger. I wanted to let it all go, and no matter what I did, I was unable to. I hated myself for not being able to.. I wanted THIS me back. The one who is smart, and funny. The one who can function every single day, no matter what. I wasn't that girl for a long time. About three years ago, she went poof, and I don't know why, but every single day, shes coming back. Instead of being this young, curious adult, shes this... strong and confident, passionate and caring, full of desire to learn all things spiritual and emotionally connecting woman.

I have been lucky to have many different and amazing connections with people of all sorts over the years. I wouldn't forget a single one. I have been lucky to have loved and been loved many times. All of them so different from the next. Nothing similar or connecting about them, although some would say that they're broken, but aren't we all broken in some way?

I always used to think the best part of being me, was never saying I'm sorry, but now I find the ways to say I'm sorry - when I mean it - instead of just because that's what you're supposed to say. I tell those that I love, that I love them as often as I can. I try to share the things that are important with those who need to hear them. There are certain people that I talk to many times a day, and some I don't talk to much at all, but you're all important to me.

<3 fin.

I love you, a bushel and a peck.

Sometimes you see incurable things in your friends. Pain and sufferage, struggles, fears, issues, so many thing that you just can't do anything about but sit there and listen. It's hard, because my friends are like family, and when someone hurts my family, it hurts me too, but I wouldn't change being there for them, for the world.

Nothing to me is more fulfilling and wonderful than the love you get from the people you make your family, and not just your immediate family (although those ones in my life are the best too). I love sharing life, and their trials and tribulations with them. Crying with them, laughing with them, figuring out seemingly impossible life feats, everything.

When I see them go through struggles or pain however, it gets me inside. It makes me reflective, and passionate about helping. Sometimes I feel useless for not being able to help them solve the issues at hand, and sometimes I feel good, knowing that I've helped someone I love stop crying.

That's the point of this blog. To help you through your tears, to share in your joys, to give you that sense of love, even if you don't know me, even if you have never met me - love is universal, everyone deserves love.

An odd sense of rambling.

I have been trying to figure out the draw towards specific relationship types for a while now. Like for me. I tend to meet people who need guidance and assistance. Its unintentional, for sure, however I am drawn to the type that like me to be a rock for them.

What causes people to pick relationships that way?

I have struggled to find the reasons why I am attracted to those kind of people in my life. I don't know if it's that I have a soft spot for those who seem to need the extra love that I have to give, or if it's that I'm a fixer, but it's a constant in my life.

Maybe it's the fact that I feel superior to people sometimes. Being able to look at things logically instead of emotionally has been something of a plus for me, emotionally speaking, however, it leaves me coming across as a judgmental callous bitch sometimes too. (which I absolutely hate.)

I think some of it is self preservation. Fear to let someone into my heart and ending up hurt, and some of it, is just well...me being logical. Nothing harmful meant by it, but I know it doesn't always come across that way. However in the end it always leaves me being the one sheltered when it ends, instead of being broken up inside.

Then theres friends of mine, who over the years, have had every type of poor relationship imaginable. These are the friends my heart always goes out to, because I know that for a lot of them, they just don't have enough faith in themselves, and their capabilities. It breaks my heart that they hurt for so long, when they're worth more than the pain they're allowing themselves to go through.

In the end, and at the end of the day, the only people we have to answer to, are ourselves. We're the judge and the jury in our own lives - and when I answer to me, I sleep well, knowing I am the best me that I can be, and although mistakes are made, I can always do better tomorrow.

And there, I find my renewal in sleep. 

NARF.

What do you do when you it feels like your whole world is unraveling with the pull of a string?

Grab a needle and thread and create something new!

I think that there are so many of life`s situations, that get us flustered for one reason or another. I know so many of us have things like kids, and issues with money, struggling to get by, work, love, etc. We all suffer with little annoyances that when all grouped together, become this HUGE problem. I have experienced it so many times. The anxiety that comes when you feel like you just can't breathe, because everything is crashing down around you. 

How do you get out from under a situation like that?

I find outlets. Before, I used to internalize it, or lash out at those I love the most. My partner used to get the brunt of my dissatisfaction with myself. It could be because I was so young, or not prepared enough to deal with the situations we faced, but regardless, my outlets were brutal at best. I didn't like who I was, where I was in my life, I wanted more, faster, better, now. NOW. 

I took some steps to rectify that situation, which resulted in a lot of large life changes. Sure, I've made more mistakes, and if I ever stop making mistakes, someone needs to hit me with something hard, but I think in 6 short months, I have made some extreme strides into a more peaceful existence. 

When those points in time come, where I feel like I can't make ends meet, like I am not a good parent, or like I am not doing good enough for myself (and trust me, I am SO very hard on me), I take a step out of my own head. It may be a day, it may be an hour, but I take that step back. I take that time to just focus on doing something for myself that makes me happy. I find that when I find something to satisfy my need for small happiness, I can focus on the issues at hand a lot better. 

Then I take that string that has unraveled and I follow it to the end. I slowly untie the knots that are there, pulling apart the issues, and finding small solutions. Things I can fix right now, things that I can take some time with, and things that I have no control over, and I separate them. The things I can fix now pile is where I start.I call that phone company, and say "right now I can't pay you, but I think I'll be able to _____" or I clean that kitchen and put the dishes away listening to music as loud as I can. I take care of that pile, because its usually the smallest. Then I work on the things I put aside because they're less time sensitive. Changes to my parenting, or to what I'd like to take more time to organize. The things I have no control over part is the one I have the hardest time with. Even still. I am learning that I have to take things today, what I can change or do today. A lot of it takes time, and a commitment to change. When I fall off track, and I do with a lot of them a million and one times, I remind myself that the sweetest rewards come from the labour you put into it. 

Remember, nothing that is truly worth it, is easy. Everything that has a sweet outcome, usually takes the effort you put into it. YOU can do it. If you're a friend of mine, and you're reading this, it's because I have faith in your strengths. You have no weaknesses. You are a strong individual who could take over the world if you put your mind to it... but start with conquering life's little challenges, and then come talk to me about world domination ;)

.. Are you pondering what I'm pondering Pinky?

I think so Brain, but how are we going to get the elephants into the leotard?

inside, outside, upside down.

Have you ever wanted to make something or someone just disappear?

Most parts of my life, I have no regrets. No desire to change how things ended up. I think this is one of the most healthy ways to life, specifically because to regret who choices you made, ultimately affects who you are, and if you like who you are, its counter productive. (yeah, I confused myself with that too)

There are however parts of my life, that I wish turned out differently. People that I wish I had stayed friends with, or not worked so hard at being friends with. Foods I wish I hadn't eaten, and others I wish I had eaten more of while I had the chance, you know, trivial things.

Learning to let go of the things you have no control over was one of the hardest lessons I ever taught myself. (that my father graciously helped with) This is one I wish I could write a manual on, and share with everyone I know - However the only way I can think to pass it along to those I care about is to offer some personal solutions that will eventually lead to being able to let go of the past.

Please, every day - Smile at yourself. Be kind to you, and gentle with your feelings. You hurt them more than anyone else ever could, and you need to take responsibility for that. You are the only one who can. No one is going to walk through your front door/into your office/into the grocery store, and change that for you. It happens, but so rarely that you really should decide that this is one you want to own.

Every day - Say something kind to strangers. They have the same suffrage/insecurities/sadnesses in themselves that you face every day. To take the time to maybe make just one persons day - is priceless. Do it tomorrow, and do it often. Forget it - when you go to the store tonight, do it then! Start right now.

Every day - Live in the now. Realize that yesterday is the past, and tomorrow is the future. Two things you can do nothing about at this very moment - all you HAVE is this very moment. Live in it. Be present. Act now.

Every day - Know that there are people who love you, even in the most unlikely of places. That pizza delivery boy? I bet he loves you. Your parents? Sure, you don't talk, but hell, they love you. Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Siblings. Yep. They love you. (they may not like you if you're not a nice person, but you can change that!)

Every day - Take the time to look around, and see the beauty in the otherwise chaos we call life. Big Metropolitan city, little country roads, the stores, the sidewalks, theres beauty there, you just have to find it. Sometimes you can see it on your own, sometimes something amazing has to happen and then everything is beautiful. Try to be conscious of when you see beauty, and then drink it in - all the way into your belly.

Every day - Learn something new. I personally like new words. I love to read books. I love to read blogs, see peoples insights on things that may not be my own.

These are a few steps I take every day. I have had my moments where things aren't the best. I have crawled, scraped and screamed my way out of them. I refuse to be kept down, I refuse to allow negativity to define me, and to change the way I am, because I am wonderful.

You are wonderful too! I know this, did you?

~me.

New Spaces, New Places.

So this week, I have been a little missing from the internet. I just moved into my dream house (my dream house, probably not yours) and I couldn't be happier. Everything went off without MUCH of a hitch, and now I am content to decorate my little slice of happiness

I spent Saturday waiting for my internet company to hook my internet up, and took that chance to do a sage smudge ceremony of my home. It was so delicious, and freeing. I know that my home is protected, and safe from harm.

I am reading this book, a random buy when walking through Indigo the other day, and its all about finding yourself as a woman. So far its a mix of eating right, meditation, appreciating yourself, and a little dancing naked.(Made me think of you Sri) I think that every woman should just read this book RIGHT now.

I am in such a wonderful new beginning again. I love these moments where I find more clarity again!!!

So, I'd like to gift some books to people. Please leave me a message if you'd like to be included in the gift of reading. My followers, my friends, my family <3

Namaste.

Scents and Glee.

Dear Diary... Just kidding :)

Today marked a bit of a happy turn of events for me!! Let me start at the beginning, because I guess yesterday was the day that sparked the magic.

I was walking through the mall, with one of my closest galpals, and we happened to stop in at this little aromatherapy kiosk during our travels. Now, me, having the gift of the gab, chatted up the sales lady that was there. Turns out they were in the market for a Manager, and well, I just happened to be knowledgeable in this area. She invited me to come back for an interview (even with nasty I just about died at the gym face).

So today, I head over there, we go through my resume, she asks me to sell her a product, I do, she asks for some references, and luckily, I have a bunch of the most amazing people to reference for me. One being a manager (and long time friend) from a company called Natural Wellbeing Distribution. (tell them *I* sent you) This place was amazing fun to work at, and well, my last REAL job!

So this wonderful woman, calls my other wonderful woman, they exchange what I can only assume are wonderful things about me (yeah the conceit lives on within me just a little bit) and low and behold...

I am now the manager of my very own little aromatherapy kiosk!

Now, not only does this thrill me because well, I love things holistic, and natural... But it also meant I got to quit the job I currently had, with a boss who was.. less than pleasant.

So at the moment, I am doing what I love, and doing what I'm great at! (telling people what to do wasn't what I was talking about Mom.) Sales!

Namaste!

These Long Nights.

I find that when I'm working night shifts, my brain processes things differently than during regular day hours. I'm not sure if I'm going crazy, or if its just that it’s quieter, less busy, less stress in general. Reading a close friend of mine's blog tonight, I realized that a lot of what I say and do impacts people strongly. I have always had good intentions when speaking to my friends, however sometimes, I can see how information shared, can be perceived as harsh or judging.


This blog is to share strength points for those of you who read it. I am not perfect by any means, nor do I think I am, however I do believe I have a lot of great insight, and a lot of good ideas to help people.


See, I am someone who loves opinions, from everyone, even if I don't wholly agree with them. My favourite thing about them, is that even if you like some of it, and not all of it, you can pick and choose what you like, and discard the rest. I have learned as much as I have because I have read scholars opinions, or life coaches, psychologists, friends and family's opinions. Doctors, and lawyers, teachers, acquaintances, everyone in life has something that they can positively share with you, and other things that you can discard. The gift is learning which is stuff that is worth carrying along with you, and which is worth dumping in your mental trash can.


Great applications for advice.

Don't take anything personally. 

This is a hard one, especially if they're talking about something personal to you. If they're someone who cares about you, they're not out to hurt you, or to give you bad advice, there will always be something positive in it that you can take away with you. (even in the harshest of comments, even if it seemed like it was intended to hurt)
The point is, that you can gain great personal truths from learning to step back, and not take things personally.


Don't change yourself just because someone told you to  

When people give advice that seems to tell you to "change" who you are, remember, that if you are happy where you are, you can make adjustments - not changes - and not everything someone tells you, even if put into practical use is going to work for you. Pick and choose, mix and match.


Even if advice is applied, and it isn't for you/doesn't work/kind of sucks, you haven't failed 


This is a big one for me. I remember years ago, when I would see a psychologist, school one or otherwise, I would always walk out of there going.. "damn, I'm going to make all these changes, you'll see, everyone will be so amazed." True changes to your life take years to accomplish. It’s a growth, not a "I'm going to wake up tomorrow and everyone will see I'm superduperawesomehappygoodness". You have to put practice into the things you believe in, everything in life is little habits. It takes 6 weeks to drop, or learn a new one. Accept that everyones life paths take time to evolve. I had to when I realized that little things I did, or wanted to change, didn't come without effort.


You are wonderful, regardless of what people tell you. You. Yes, I'm talking to you. To the children, and mothers, and fathers, and friends, and sisters, and brothers. You're all teachers. What you do and say has powerful effects on other people, and what people say to you, should be taken seriously, but never personally. Reach out in love when you speak to whomever you speak to.


The people in your life who love you for you, and give you advice, usually is only because they want the best for you. Not to change you, but to enhance your life with things that have helped them. It took me years to realize this about my parents even. I always thought they were judging me, but they only ever wanted what was best (they just didn't like the road I took to get where I am).


I am happy with who I am, comfortable in my natural self, and all things I take on in my life. I implore you do find all the things you love about yourself too, become one with who you are, because baby, it’s a long life - don't you deserve to be happy?
Namaste.

The Truth Within Us

Its been a blustery few days here. I'm watching snow drifts build, the wind blow uncontrollably, its chaotic and beautiful.

I have had a personal truth revealed to me lately. It wasn't by anyone telling me, or me contemplating it, it was through a conversation with a friend where I realized something incredible and powerful about my past, that has affected my future, and a lot of aspects of my life without my consciousness. It was powerful.

It was painful as much as it was beautiful. Freeing almost. Something about this path I have chosen to go down, I feel deep within me is going to help a lot of people.

Unrelated but also connected, I went through a rough situation when I'd been in Alberta for a couple of months. Most of you close to me know about this. I met someone who I became close with, and then had it turn into an unreal experience that's resulting in that person facing charges.

When this first happened, I met with a Crown Counsel liason, when I met her, I was a little awestruck. Beyond her eccentric and beautiful appearance, she also projected this amazing light. She had this aura, or essence of someone with a lot of empathy. We talked about my situation for court, and she's stayed in touch with me whenever something changes.

This afternoon she called me to let me know about progressions in the case, we discussed it, and then got into a topic about who we are. I told her about my plan to start a yoga studio here, that caters to lower income members, she thought it was an amazing idea, and to see if I could go into the women's shelter here and teach some there to the women and kids. Wow, amazing. Yes. She then told me she does parenting workshops that focus on allowing the children to be, and teaching discipline without taking away and giving privileges. I'm very interested in it. We discussed how we're both empaths, and live our lives to help people.

It just re-confirmed that I am on the right path. That my personal truths are what is taking me to where I want to be. That this is an amazing opportunity, and it's on a platter in front of me, only this time I'm reaching out and taking it.

I say to those of you, your truths? You can find them. You can undo years of abuse/self loathing/poor self image/sadness/whatever your hold back. You just have to want to see it, sometimes it takes a trigger, a conversation with a friend, a spiritual advisor, meditation, prayer, whatever! You can free yourself from your personal chains, no matter who placed them there!

You are worth it.

Namaste.

Sent from my BlackBerry® phone powered by Koodo Mobile®.

Kickin Back the Cobble Stones

We got a mess of snow last night, well, over the past two days really. It's quite beautiful, until you have to go driving in it of course. 

I was driving home from work this morning, slowly, unable to see the lines on the road, (or where the road edge really was) and it seemed to take forever to get there. Now, after working 12 hours, all night I sit here wondering why we all rush through things. I don't mean anything specific. It could be sometimes as simple as walking to your car, or as complex as rushing into a relationship. I've noticed as hedonistic as our culture in this day and age seems to be, the hoarding of new technologies, and clothes, and all the things we take our pleasures in, so few of us look to go slowly. To truly be aware of the things around us. 

Consciousness. 

I certainly need to work on my awareness. I need to be aware of the things that cause me stress. I need to accept that things that I dislike are going to happen, and move on from there. Right now, I find that I fixate on what makes me angry instead of letting it all go. I found that today, I just couldn't let go of the stress of driving in the snow. Something so simple. It was beautiful, early enough that I really shouldn't have worried much about other traffic, but yet, I was angry at the fact that it was going to take me twice as long to get home. 

When I got home and climbed into bed, I was irritated that sleep wasn't happening fast enough. The bad mood had spread. I had been "infected" by negativity, so to speak. 

For the next 7 days, I am going to practice conscious frustration. When I get frustrated, I am going to make it a conscious action. I will allow it to be, and not allow it to manifest.  I will welcome it, embrace it, I will give it validation, and then I will bid it adieu, making a conscious effort to put a smile upon my face. 

What do you do to let go of your frustrations and anger? What works for you? Is it a scent? A sound? An action? Please feel free to share your ways of "letting go".

Namaste. 

2011 - Here We Come. (dedicated to two friends of mine)

This is a year for everything wonderful. I truly believe this.

When I sit and think of the year ahead of me, of all of us, I get that feeling in my tummy.. The one that tells you that everything is going to be okay. The ball that you have in motion is going in the right direction. It's almost as if the things you've worked for are right in front of you, and you can reach out and grab it, without failure.

For a lot of us, this is the start of something new. Something amazing. Learning how to be free, without restraints from those around us, or those we impose upon ourselves. Sometimes the hardest hurdles to overcome are the ones we place upon ourselves.

You know, the ones that tell us, that running dialogue in our heads that tells us that we're too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough, that we don't have time, or that we shouldn't because it's selfish. That if we do blank then blank will happen in return. What if for once, we stopped listening to the negative internal dialogue, and just believed in ourselves? What would we tell our children if we heard them talking to themselves or anyone else the way we talk in our minds?

...That's just it, we wouldn't allow ourselves to be this beaten down.

As mothers, and as women, we often neglect the thing that needs the MOST love and comfort of all. Ourselves. We take ourselves for granted. We fill ourselves full of hateful talk, we don't love ourselves enough or give ourselves enough credit. We don't take time for us, or even just take time to breathe.

Ladies, loving husbands, boyfriends, fathers, best friends, anyone who has a women in their life - Remind her that she is beautiful. Tell yourself you're worth it.

An exercise that I tried years ago, it made me laugh when it was first suggested to me, and it made me laugh for the first three weeks of practice.

-but-

This action needs to be preformed twice daily (three times if you're stressed or having a bad day)

Step One

Find a Mirror.

Step Two

Look at yourself.

Step Three
(this is the hardest step)

Tell yourself you are beautiful. That you are worth it. That the universe is going to bestow upon you everything your heart desires. 


It sounds silly. You will laugh. You will scoff at your reactions in the mirror.
You will choose not to believe it..

I promise you that it will change. 

This is 10 times easier than going to the gym, quitting smoking, not indulging in chips at bedtime. It takes seconds, and can be done anywhere. The car, the gym, the bathroom, ANYWHERE.
It takes 6 weeks to break an old habit and form a new one in its place.
This change is so easy, you'll thank me for it, I promise.

This is the easiest and quickest and most flattering thing you can do for yourself.

Promise me you'll try it okay?


Namaste.

I won an award! (I love my friends)

Thanks to Sri for the award!



The Rules state to share 7 things about myself. 


So here goes!


1) I absolutely adore myself. My everything, who I am, who I was, who I want to be. I have no shame in anything I have done, but I am humbled by my life and my experiences. 


2) I have met most of the people I know on the internet. The people I hold closest to me in my life, yep, met them online. 


3) I am not afraid of anything. True to Buddha. I have no fears, because I know what is meant to happen, will, and I have no control over things, but I do choose to be afraid or not to be. 


4) The furthest distances I have traveled as as follows 
North - Prince Rupert, B.C. 
South - Disneyland, but I don't remember it SO - Camano Island, WA. 
East - Saskatoon, SK. 
West - Port Renfrew, B.C.


5) My child is my inspiration for all the changes I have made recently. To see her childlike happiness, is something I want to share with the world through teaching. 


6) My favourite colour is Orange. It breathes life into me. 


7) My dad is, and always will be my best friend. He's the first one I run to when I am down. 




Now, I have shared with you the terms of my award, off to find 10 deserving blogs!


Namaste.