Pondering and meandering

Ponderings and meanderings have lead me to some conclusions as of late. Not long ago, I had so many questions, so many concerns, so many inconsistencies, so much need for change. I did what not a lot of people can do, I uprooted my life, said goodbye to my family, and moved away. I planned it, I put it together, I picked it all up, and I moved it. It was the scariest, most amazing, thrilling, dumbest, well planned, sacrificial thing I have ever done.

It was so freeing. To just pick it up, and let it all go. I let go of so much negativity when I moved. It was like, a part of me was reborn. It wasn't without it's struggles though, being so far away from my support network, I thought it was going to be the scariest thing I had ever done but my grandparents, and my mom were out to visit me before I'd even been here 3 months. That made the first little bit easier. Alex's birthday without my family, was hard, but we had an amazing time thanks to a family that I became close with when I first moved here. My birthday was good, because I was able to be home for it, and to celebrate my grandparents 50th anniversary too. Christmas alone was the hardest part I think. Connected to my whole family via a computer, it was so strange. I wanted to be there the second I saw them. The second I saw my dad, I realized that I missed him so much.

Then there was repairing a bond between me and someone I truly care about that has made this both easier and harder all at the same time. Back in September, we opened the lines of communication again, to get some closure from our past. I wasn't always this... centered, this... zen. I was so angry, all the time, for a LONG time, and I can be cruel when I'm angry. A lot of my choice to leave was about just that.. my anger. I wanted to let it all go, and no matter what I did, I was unable to. I hated myself for not being able to.. I wanted THIS me back. The one who is smart, and funny. The one who can function every single day, no matter what. I wasn't that girl for a long time. About three years ago, she went poof, and I don't know why, but every single day, shes coming back. Instead of being this young, curious adult, shes this... strong and confident, passionate and caring, full of desire to learn all things spiritual and emotionally connecting woman.

I have been lucky to have many different and amazing connections with people of all sorts over the years. I wouldn't forget a single one. I have been lucky to have loved and been loved many times. All of them so different from the next. Nothing similar or connecting about them, although some would say that they're broken, but aren't we all broken in some way?

I always used to think the best part of being me, was never saying I'm sorry, but now I find the ways to say I'm sorry - when I mean it - instead of just because that's what you're supposed to say. I tell those that I love, that I love them as often as I can. I try to share the things that are important with those who need to hear them. There are certain people that I talk to many times a day, and some I don't talk to much at all, but you're all important to me.

<3 fin.